Last Tuesday, in an event that shocked the world, a self-proclaimed “super-villain” floated down from his sky base to make the announcement that he is the sole cause of global warming. In his two-hour spiel, most of which consisted of histrionics and ornate hand gestures, the villain proclaimed to he was solely responsible for global warming.
“I really got you all!” he proclaimed, while breaking down laughing. “Even the scientists! You thought that it was the result of natural changes to the atmosphere, or were even so vain as to say the you were the ones who caused it, while it was me all along!” Although the figure refused to divulge exactly how he caused the pending global catastrophe, citing it to be a “trade secret,” he has expressed interest in copyrighting the technology, “you know, before the concept of a copyright is burned beyond all recognition by greenhouse gasses.”
Although he admitted that “it took a lot of work, you know, especially when I had to figure out how to put a hole in the Ozone layer,” he concludes that “it was all worth in the end.” The villain did not give any clear ideas as to how exactly he was planning on escaping the now-doomed earth, but we here at the State-Run Media can only assume someone as brilliant as him will come up with an ingenious plan. For a super-villain hell-bent on the destruction of the Earth, this State-Run reporter would like to take the time to comment how remarkably well-behaved he was. During the press conference, he only vaporized 16 journalists who asked tough questions, and managed to keep his freeze-ray usage to only once every 5 minutes. You rarely see that kind of self-restraint in this kind of situations.
Political pundits are particularly interested in presidential candidates’ responses to the surprise announcement, as several have already made statements regarding it. On the GOP side, Donald Trump tweeted that the individual was a “loser”, and that he would “build a wall [to] stop global warming.”
At his own press conference, Senator Marco Rubio had this to say about the incident: “Let’s dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing. He knows exactly what he’s doing.” For the democrats, Senator Bernie Sanders launched into a passionate and uncontrollable rant about how unacceptable it was that 99 percent of the world’s heat was held by 1 percent of the population, while Secretary Clinton was quoted as muttering under her breath, “Finally, a scandal that doesn’t involve me.”
Before he disappeared back to his secret base, the villain concluded the interview by taking some audience questions, in which he confirmed that he killed JFK, and has an ongoing, “and promising,” chemtrails program.