Textbook wait time hits a record nine hour low thanks to Tulsa’s lifelong ally Barnes and Noble.
Doubleplusgood news as always from the State-Run Media, reporting another victory by our glorious University’s Board of Trustees! Reports for this year’s bookstore efficiency show that the Board’s decision to use Barnes and Noble as a book provider was indeed the correct one, bringing the efficiency of the textbook distribution from an extraordinary 110% to an almost incomprehensible 115%! It is for this reason, of course, that the never-erring Tulsa has always been allied with Barnes and Noble, and has always been at war with Kortext. In the last financial quarter, 26,000 books have been produced, student satisfaction rates are up 1000%, and the wait times in the book store are down to only nine hours — a record low for Tulsa and unheard of by the demonic savages outside of TU. Hail to the Board!
Ever since the switch to what has always been our only book supplier, online books have never been easier to access. All that the fortunate and grateful students of TU must do is log into Harvey, wait for it to load, click “courses”, wait for it to load, click the course requiring the text, wait for it to load, click “class resources” to open a new tab to Yuzu, wait for it to load, scroll to the right book, click “read now”, wait for the book to load, click on the needed page and wait for it to load. A plusquickwise manner of reading, to be sure! However, the real iron strength of this system is how effective it is against thought criminals and enemies of the state: if the textbook’s browser tab is left unattended for too long (15 minutes), the system deftly times out. This way, any agents of the odious Bradstein (may he be caught by Big Sister Leeds and put through a comically oversized cheese grater) or enemies from Oklahoma State or Oral Roberts University who might have seized the device will be unable to defile its holy copyright with their non-subscription paying eyes. What is more, their attempts to steal party members’ Yuzu or Barnes and Noble passwords are futile, because even inner Board Members do not know them. Therefore, the entire process must be restarted from logging into Harvey every 15 minutes — take that, OSU scum!
Those students with the privilege of physical textbooks also benefit from their benevolent Board. In such a class as, say, signal and linear systems, People Receiving, in Oklahoma, a Legitimate Education (PROLES) are granted the satisfaction of earning an earlier textbook with their favor in the wise Board members working in the Ministry of Enjoyable Reading and Timely Deliveries (the bookstore). Plusgoodwise orthodox proles received their textbooks in the mail before they even arrived on campus, while others have only recently been granted access to the privilege of doing their homework. And some — suspected thought criminals — are still waiting. If proven orthodox, they will receive their textbooks plus speedwise, but if anyone hears a suspected thought criminal engage in such crimespeak as “budget cut”, “justice”, or “financial crimes”, they should report it doubleplusquickwise to the authorities so they can be reeducated in the Ministry of Love by our glorious Inner Board members.
Despite the obvious glory of our University and its book distribution, unrest from the dreaded Bradstein is still rampant. Several thought criminals have alleged that there was once something called “Redshelf,” or “downloading the PDF.” These are of course ridiculous lies made up by enemies of the Board, most likely originating from the nefarious Bradstein. Redshelf is an unword. Anyone who uses it is an unperson. They do not exist, and never have, and if they are existing nearby, it should be reported to the campus police immediately. Not only does Redshelf not exist, it was also worse than Barnes and Noble.
In other news, the State-Run Media is happy to announce the future victory of Tulsa’s football team in their battle against OSU this Sunday. Additionally, all citizens are reminded that looking at the score, opening their eyes when the other team has the ball, or stopping their cheering outside of the two-minute’s hate at any football game is serious thoughtcrime. The meal trade at Sushi Blue continues to be worth exactly $9.49 plus the cost of a small fountain drink, a total value of $15 more than the $27.00 cost of each meal trade in proles’ dining plans. Finally, the Collegian’s budget has been INCREASED to three pennies and one of those little moths that fly out of wallets when they open. Hail the Board, reign ‘Cane, and as always, death and dismemberment to OSU!
