Where did the pinstripes go?

President Carson: professor, secretary of defense, undersecretary of the US Army, and most important of all, suave guy always dressed to the nines. Even in the blistering Oklahoma heat, The University of Tulsa’s own sugar Braddy always comes to campus dressed in his Sunday’s best, pinstripes and all. But for the past two weeks, numerous eyewitnesses have reported that he hasn’t been wearing any suits or ties and has left the entirety of The University of Tulsa campus wondering… what has happened with Brad Carson?
Well, here’s what we know. Brad Carson owns a seemingly endless permutation of suit paraphernalia. Each day he can go into his closet and wear a different outfit than yesterday. It might have become overwhelming for Brad Carson to choose from the near limitless options of stripes and pins. The endless options of what he could wear to his next day as The University of Tulsa’s most passionate concertgoer have taken their toll. Or maybe the unthinkable has happened and Brad Carson has now run out of permutations and can no longer wear a brand-new outfit.
Multiple math majors have spoken about this possibility. Brennan Crowder stated this about the permutations of Carson’s outfits, “To me, it’s like a deck of cards. There are more ways to uniquely shuffle a deck of cards than stars in the universe. Brad can’t have run out of outfits. There are an astronomical amount of outfits to be worn.”
Jacob Sharp has been quoted saying, “Look, Carson has to have at least five pieces of a suit each. That’s… six hundred outfits. He’s been president of The University of Tulsa for at least as long as I’ve been here. That’s two years. Even with my conservative estimate, he’s out of outfits for sure.”
More reports have produced similar conflicting answers about the number of distinct outfits Brad may have. Instead, it might be a financial issue. Brad’s message to the TU community after the concert incident said that the funds received from hosting the concert would go into building the new Chick-fil-A and the new Starbucks. Months later, Chick-fil-A has opened its new doors and Starbucks is still nowhere to be seen. On Oct. 17, The University of Tulsa’s Instagram account posted a video of the construction of the Starbucks with the caption, “The Starbucks in McFarlin Library is starting to look like a Starbucks! It’ll open soon.” This happened after months of no communication about the construction and then weeks after Brad came onto campus without a suit. Hypothetically during construction, if Starbucks needed more money, what could Brad do? A couple of weeks is too short of a time to plan and host a concert for a quick buck. Brad had to resort to the last expensive thing he owned to bankroll this construction: his suits.
His office has denied comment on the situation and no further evidence could be found to support the theory of the failing Starbucks. The last theory is the theft of the pinstripéd skeletons in Brad Carson’s closet. When we asked Campus Security about any official comment on a crime involving pinstripes they became withholding and refused to confirm that any crime had taken place.
While walking to frat row, Matt Montanio spoke to The Collegian of an alleged airsoft shootout between Campus Security and well-dressed gangsters in “dapper suits.” Campus Security trains for active shooter situations using airsoft weapons. Campo must have been celebrating Halloween instead of working like the rest of us; playing the classic Halloween children’s game Campo and Robbers. The student body can only hope that Brad Carson’s suits are returned by these “dapper gangsters” and that no civilians were hurt in the training.