Aries (March 20-April 19th): The lunar cycle aligns with Saturn’s orbit. Try new things and push your comfort zone this week as your inhibitions rise above necessity. It is a good question, and Dr. Wainwright has nothing better to do with class time than answer it. Gosh, everyone just thinks you’re so smart.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): This week, I foresee great calamity in your grades. Luckily, getting the information ahead of time means you won’t have to waste time studying for necessarily flunked exams, and you are free to hit the Bucc guilt-free!
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): Venus is in retrograde, Mercury is in bloom, and Saturn is in utero. You can be taken anywhere as long as you stay clean, make all apologies you’ve been avoiding and serve the servants around you. While I can’t see you every night in the stars, I assure it would be dumb, very ape-like indeed, to ignore this advice.
Cancer: (June 21st- July 22nd): This is not a coded message. ignore such suspicions.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Writing this while my roommate is using our bathroom, I don’t care about this at all, just saw a shooting star didn’t even track its motion. Make your own destiny; I’m too tired, and I have to piss.
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): A meal is like $15. According to angry women on Reels, paying for two people’s meals is the bare minimum. A zero is the minimum you can score on an exam. So chin up, Virgo: that stat exam was basically a $33 job on your end.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): You! Reader! Coincidences do not exist. You are seeing this because you were chosen by fate. Remember these words: salvific, green, motorized, Tuesday. Repeat this exact sequence to the elderly gas station attendant at the QuikTrip on Saturday for a funny little show.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): The universal balance that keeps everyone’s age in check is struggling to keep your fandom of $17 burgers, “relatable” memes and losing in pickleball from bumping your biological system into the millennial category. For what’s left of your knees, please: you need to stop.
Sagittarius (November 22nd- December 21st): You WILL ace all of your exams if your name begins with a P and ends with an arker Mathison. And if it doesn’t, kick rocks, bucko. Too many people on this planet for each night sky to be all about you.
Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th): By the motion of the stars, this week will end 2 points down in the NASDAQ, with the Dow close behind at -1.8. Minor ripples in the Andromeda cluster indicate that losses in the tech sector are temporary.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): I stared into my Orb for 48 hours straight: no blinking battle bucket at max capacity, locked in. Even so, I could not divine what they’re trying to accomplish with the construction on 11th, aside from a vague hint that it’s money laundering.
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): At my inquiry, the stars reveal machinations beyond the ken of any mortal — it holds no interest. My tea leaves supply only trite prediction, augury so much cruelty for so imprecious knowledge. Bared to me are all secrets of the universe — all but the one I seek. Beating my fists against heaven’s door, I cry and cry again who, who is Big Churt??
