Aries (March 20-April 19th): Your soul mate, as revealed by the heavens, is a Panasonic 2.2 cubic foot inverter microwave. I am not saying that this is okay. In fact, it’s disgusting. But it is true: deep down, what would make your dirty little soul happier than aught else in the world is romantic union with a 12,500 watt countertop oven. Freak.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): This week, keep an extra special eye out for a man who says he is going to hit you very hard with a hammer; the stars have led me to believe that he has malevolent intentions of some nature.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): Huge news for loophole fans: the dharmic wheel calculates karma deductions based on a name-based system, so as long as you use Google Gemini on your homework, they think you did it, and you can still reincarnate as a person. On an unrelated note, if any compsci types need a name for their LLM, I just came up with “Aiden Hoogstra” and I’ll let you use it royalty-free.
Cancer: (June 21st- July 22nd): You’re a Cancer and your partner is an Aries; it just can’t work. Not unless you’re willing to make some serious changes. You say you want them to be happy, but do you have a sleek, modern exterior? What about a 6-month warranty? Damn it, Cancer, can you even heat an eight-ounce patty to 165°F in as little as 30 seconds?
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): The end times come in swarms of rats. A miser stands in judgement of the ages. The moon glows red with the fire of the dragon, and the animals prepare for winter in the heart of June. You should buy a motorcycle.
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): The chakra that keeps your heart from exploding is strong and mighty under the half moon — take advantage. Get all of your textbooks and assignments from now until the end of the year, go to the nearest diner, order one coffee and don’t stop accepting refills until it’s done. You are unstoppable, Virgo. All you have to do is start.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): Don’t worry, Libra, term papers are common sense anyways. If you had a topic picked out already, you’d probably burn out by the end of the semester. Honestly, I would skip the readings for this week: you’ve been thinking about this more than enough.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): Something’s in retrograde, I can just tell — the grass doesn’t smell right. Maybe Saturn… no… I don’t know. But mark my words, retrograde is definitely occurring. Anyways. Big week for Scorpios in their musical energy.
Sagittarius (November 22nd- December 21st): You’ve gotta help me. Nobody told me it was illegal for diviners to bet on horses, and now there are 30 special FTC agents headhunting me in the astral plane with the spiritual idea of a bazooka. Please: if you’re reading this, I need you to perform the ritual from the post-it note on my metaphysical claymore.
Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th): How are you gonna be balding and have hair past your shoulders? Was it long before, and you’re in denial of your situation, or did you see the spot and think “you know what’ll perfectly balance this out? The rest being three feet long and greasier than the bottom of a Sol box.” Get a haircut and google “shampoo.”
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): “Bouse” this, “Touse” that; what do you know about prophesiedtobringaboutthedestructionofWesterncivilizatiouse? A little unnaturally-resurrected-corpse-of-Aleister-Crowley in a tree told me it’s BYX, but you didn’t hear that from me.
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): This week, your thoughts are organized by the alignment of the gas giants. Now clean your bathroom! “My suitemates never clean it” stopped being an acceptable excuse 4,000 pubes ago, Pisces; don’t make me reincarnate your ass as a janitor for TPS.
