graphic by Conner Maggio

Coke puts coke back in Coke

Nothing says Coca-Cola like cocaine! Coming soon to supermarket shelves near you, Coca-Cola has announced a new line of cocaine-infused beverages. “There’s a massive hype around CBD [cannabidiol, a pain-relieving compound found in marijuana]-infused products these days,” said Coca-Cola spokesperson Karl Rimm in a recent press conference, “and companies are making a killing putting it […]

Sexy advice for your sexy life

Try these tips at your own risk… of pleasure. Are you and your loved one having trouble in the bedroom? Does there seem to be something missing when doing the deed? If so, here are some tips and tricks to shake things up during your sexy time and rebuild your relationship into something great. Send […]

Is Pluto t h i c c enough?

Curvy celebrities weigh in on Pluto’s planetary status. Pluto was stripped of its planet status years ago, a decision established by the ITC (International Thiccness Council). This group of affluent decision-makers includes the controversial Kim Kardashian and Krew, the infamous Buzz Lightyear, and destroyer-of-worlds Thanos. Because of their influence and status, they had banished Pluto […]

Targeted ads single out singles, damage self-esteem

Russians send targeted ads to prey on this under-reproducing population. Targeted ads really suck, man. I have never bought even half of the items marketed to me, so this must be a spyware thing the Russians came up with. First and foremost, I am sick of the dating site ads. Every time I see a […]

Wingman targeted ads score me a date

Who needs privacy when you have Ben & Jerry’s? If it weren’t for targeted ads, I am not sure how I would’ve made it through my rough breakup. I was heartbroken after my boyfriend of two weeks dumped me. I had no one to turn to, so what did I do? Go on the Internet, […]