The Void: What should I say to a grieving friend?

31 January 2017
Adam Lux, Lacks empathy

So your friend just experienced a death of a family member or close friend. If you want to comfort them, but in a way that requires the least effort from you, the Void is here for you.

Finally, only six percent of people still trust the media

31 January 2017
Sam Beckmann, Doesn’t trust 94 percent of Americans

Efforts by the State-Run Media have paid off, and less than six percent of Americans actually trust “the media.”

Professor fucking kills it with latest PowerPoint

31 January 2017
Sam Beckmann, Definitely a real journalist, not just an angry student

A professor recently gave a PowerPoint presentation which he self-reported to be “masterful,” and “a transcendental experience.”

Attacks on masculinity finally succeed, America feminized

31 January 2017
Adam Lux, Former beard-haver

After the Women’s March on Washington, masculinity is defeated, leaving the nation without manliness.

A comprehensive list of ways to deal with Nazis

31 January 2017
Sam Beckmann, Wants to know if it’s cool to punch Nazi monkeys

After actual Nazi Richard Spencer was punched by a protester, State-Run archivists went through some of our nation’s greatest cinematic treasures for advice on Nazis.

Quiz: Can you pull off that scarf? (Probably not)

31 January 2017
Conner Maggio, Wears five scarves at once to assert his dominance

For generations people have wondered “Can I pull off this scarf?” and as long as I can remember I have been telling people what fashion trends they are unable to pull off. To save myself some time, I have created a quiz to enrich your life and make me feel better about myself. This will no doubt answer all your desperate questions about accessorizing with scarves.

Trump defends size of inauguration crowd

31 January 2017
James Leahy, Alternative journalist

President Trump defends his claims that news sources have lied about his inauguration attendance, saying that he’s only following his own precendent of exaggerating sizes.

Trump arrives to trashed White House

24 January 2017
Adam Lux, Professional partier

After his inauguration, Trump arrived to a house full of empty beer cans and a passed-out Joe Biden.

Student leads protest from comfort of own home

24 January 2017
Sam Beckmann, Skyped into DC

Rather than joining a cold, boring protest, a TU student decided to spearhead a movement to protest Donald Trump’s inauguration entirely from his La-Z-Boy.

What kind of introvert are you?

24 January 2017
Sam Chott, The kind of introvert that likes parties

It’s 2017 – by now, you know that you’re an introvert. Thanks to recent advances in personality quiz technology, “scientists” have identified up to 17 different classes of introvert, all of which are special in their own way. What kind of introvert are you?