A shared toothbrush represents the close bond between roommates. graphic by Conner Maggio

A wise fool’s guide for fresh faced froshes

Freshman advice for living with roommates, passing classes and staying healthy. Hello, new students of TU. I see you’ve picked up The Collegian for a bit of light reading. Was that out of curiosity? Maybe to hide yourself from an awkward situation? Well, no matter; good decision on your part. Now that I’ve got you […]

Letter from the Propagandist

Dear readers, Something is amiss. No, I’m not talking about the threat of nuclear war, or that personal privacy is no longer viable, or that Tristan cheated on Khloe. I’m talking about myself and my position. As I’m sure you all know, in my time as Head Propagandist of the glorious “State-Run Media,” I have […]

Dictator Justin Guglielmetti receiving his pictures of Spidey. Graphic by Conner Maggio

Editor-in-Chief Guglielmetti wants pictures of the Spider-man

The newly hired leader of The Collegian threatens to fire his writers if images of a certain superhero aren’t on his desk by 5 p.m. Guglielmetti has stressed the necessity for a picture of Spiderman in this week’s The Collegian paper. His insisting on photographing the superhero has caused waves in The Collegian office. The […]

State Run’s new social media transparent about sold info

The State-Run has vowed to remain clear on who we are selling out to. With the release of The State-Run Media’s new social media platform, The State-Run Social, we plan on being upfront and honest with our incredible violation of your privacy. We see that the problem with other social media is that they are […]

An IBM drone at work. Graphic by Madeline Woods

IBM releases brain-eating drones, and that’s a good thing

The former tech giant accidentally reveals what it has been working on lately. In a stunning turn of events, International Business Machines has finally shown the public what it actually does. Since creating Watson in 2011, no one knows what IBM does anymore. The three most influential investigators in American politics — the FBI, CIA […]

CoolMath.com corrupted

After a quiet but devious acquisition by Electronic Arts, CoolMath.com has fallen from their pedestal of internet purity. It’s 2005. You’re in the 4th grade and just about to start computer class. The teacher, having already made you take “Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing” and taught you how to use Microsoft Word and Excel, has exhausted […]