Is Pluto t h i c c enough?

Curvy celebrities weigh in on Pluto’s planetary status. Pluto was stripped of its planet status years ago, a decision established by the ITC (International Thiccness Council). This group of affluent decision-makers includes the controversial Kim Kardashian and Krew, the infamous Buzz Lightyear, and destroyer-of-worlds Thanos. Because of their influence and status, they had banished Pluto […]

Targeted ads single out singles, damage self-esteem

Russians send targeted ads to prey on this under-reproducing population. Targeted ads really suck, man. I have never bought even half of the items marketed to me, so this must be a spyware thing the Russians came up with. First and foremost, I am sick of the dating site ads. Every time I see a […]

Wingman targeted ads score me a date

Who needs privacy when you have Ben & Jerry’s? If it weren’t for targeted ads, I am not sure how I would’ve made it through my rough breakup. I was heartbroken after my boyfriend of two weeks dumped me. I had no one to turn to, so what did I do? Go on the Internet, […]

Great British Porno

The newest season of The Great British Baking Show piqued the interest of many top porn companies. Your bag of chips is full. Your blanket nest is warm. Netflix is pulled up and you’re ready to binge-watch the newest season of “The Great British Baking Show,” never mind the fact that the only thing you’ve […]

Hashtags spell out end of the world

The end of the world shows people’s true colors as they post their last hashtag. Bruce sat alone in his garage. The previous afternoon, he had lied to his friends to convince them he could play lead guitar as well as Dave Mustaine to get into their band. They told him to prove it at […]

Shady Sally dealing contraband IDs containing thousands of dining dollars. Graphic by Conner Maggio

The Dining Dozen dishes out deceit

An underground crime ring trades food for homework in this breaking news coverage. Something sinister is growing underneath the surface of TU. While most students go to class, study and complete their homework, there’s a growing number of people investing their dining dollars for extra “assistance.” Our source has been working undercover for quite some […]

Vladimir von Batterson protests for equal rights. Graphic by Conner Maggio

Batty new residents arrive on campus

Resident bats push for equal rights amid evictions from campus dorms. Current reports say that homeless bats are trying to make residence in the Lottie Jane Mabee Hall. However, current residents are inconsiderate of their hopes of finding a new home. Over the last three weeks, there have been six bat sightings in Lottie, all […]