Super blue blood moon not even in its final form. Graphic by Adam Lux

Super blue blood moon rituals discovered

Researchers detail ancient blood moon rituals completed by past cultures. Anthropologists have discovered images depicted in ancient Mayan temples, and as everyone knows, the Mayans knew everything about space and the future. The images depicted several ways in which the moon had transformed based on completing very specific rituals during the super blue blood moon. […]

New TU weekly email greeted with excitement

Most rejoice but some complain as TU launches new weekly email “A Look at TU Last Week.” A video released and obtained by The State-Run Media last weekend shows TU football players chanting, “New! Email! New! Email! New email!” The clip, while brief, sums up the state the university was in after the news broke. […]

Tide launches adult-proof packaging

With written and verbal warnings not being an adequate deterrent for curious nibblers, Tide Pods now test mental fitness before use. In response to multiple injuries and deaths associated with people attempting to eat their Tide Pods product for reasons ranging from satiating a primal urge to gaining internet fame, Procter & Gamble has now […]

Photo of the calculator after Felt installed some of his upgrades. Graphic by Madeline Woods

1893 calculator runs DOOM (1993)

TU CS major Anthony Felt spent all of last finals week modifying an old mechanical calculator to run everyone’s favorite classic game. Local TU sophomore Anthony Felt, who had previously installed “DOOM” on an electric tea kettle, has recently made headlines by getting a calculator from 1893 to run “DOOM.” Witnesses say that they noticed […]

Photo of a blue light after the disco ball upgrades. Graphic by Madeline Woods

Blue emergency phones upgraded, now play 20 minutes of Kenny G

State-Run readers will be pleased to hear that much-needed changes have been made to the blue light emergency phones around campus. In recent months, TU students have expressed certain complaints about the blue emergency phones, which appeared to not be working as well as they should have been. Sophomore Kevin Green had a major grievance […]

The VRChater in his natural habitat. Graphic by Madeline Woods

“VRChat made me a weeaboo,” says TU junior

Have you ever wanted to be a sexy anime girl? Now, it’s possible with the latest craze in virtual reality. The latest internet phenomena, VRChat, allows users to don virtual reality goggles, then create a character of any likeness to chat in first-person point-of-view with other 3D-rendered characters. The “State-Run Media” was recently let on […]

The twenty-four carat gold bitcoin medallion that your "friend" bought. Courtesy Pixabay

How to take advantage of your “friend” from high school that has over 250 bitcoins

What’s hotter than bitcoin right now? Other people’s bitcoin. Bitcoin. You’ve probably heard this word recently. There’s a lot of hearsay on the nature of the aged cryptocurrency. “What the hell’s a cryptocurrency?” “How can something made from nothing be worth something?” “Dude, I bought five fake IDs on the darkweb with MY bitcoin.” Whether […]

The Rock has faced down John Cena but is he ready for Oprah? Wikimedia Commons

Oprah vs. The Rock: Battle for 2020

The Democratic Party will give their blessing to the winner of this wrestling match. Coming to Madison Square Garden in 2019, a wrestling match of presidential proportions, the ultimate battle of brawn and sheer star power for the 2020 Democratic nomination: Oprah Winfrey versus Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson! With The Rock recently teasing a presidential […]