I have worked for this university for four years now and would like to show you a highlight reel of moments from my time here. But unfortunately, since newspaper technology is a little outdated, and also I was not filming my entire life, I will type them and forward them to The Collegian instead.
My first year, I came in as an anthropology major, took 18 hours of classes, and did not do well in any of them. But because I immediately hate things I am bad at, I switched to marketing because I knew I was good at writing and being creative. This story is short, but I must establish my hubris now, so in later chapters, my downfall before a final moment of victory makes sense. It’s like Chekhov’s gun, for all those gun fanatics out there.
My second year, I became a resident assistant at Fisher South. My time there taught me many, many lessons. Not the ones you would expect, however. The first lesson I learned was that people can be incredibly draining to deal with all the time. I had enjoyed my time there my freshman year, but now I needed time alone. I think the defining moment of this year for me was when my friend George and I were writing our papers during the election of 2016. George turned to me and said, “Wouldn’t it be kinda funny if Trump won?” and I, like a moron, said, “Yeah, that would be kinda funny,” and now we live in political hell. So as a small lesson, knock on wood every now and then.
My third year, I moved to the John to become an RA there. And in fair John Mabee we lay this scene: April 1, 2018. 3:00 a.m.: I get woken up by the duty phone playing “Down with the Sickness” by Disturbed. And as I lay in bed, with the harsh and ungentle noise of “Oh-Wa-AH-AH-AH,” I climbed out of bed, stumbling toward my desk and picking up the phone that had since rung twice. I said “Conner Maggio … Duty phone?” and the desk assistant who had been calling me filled me in on the situation. Someone had put Taco Bell hot sauce on all the door handles in the first floor west wing. Presumably this was so that whoever went out of their room would use the handle and then wipe their eyes. What they did not realize was that the hot sauce would dry almost immediately. So I was stuck with about 30 doors that needed to be cleaned before anyone got up.
Of course, I called campus security to help me in my time of need. Yet there was nothing they could do. So I busted out my own sponges and cleaned all the doors I could before going to sleep at 4:30 a.m. However, I did not do a good enough job the first time, so the first thing I did, at 10 a.m. on a Sunday, the Lord’s day, was grabbing paper towels and cleaning everyone’s door handles. So the lesson there is, if you put Taco Bell hot sauce anywhere near me, I won’t hesitate to kill you. Also I broke up with a girl on Dec. 26 — do not do that, it is rude. Wait until Dec. 29 so they can’t say you weren’t considerate.
My fourth year, I have become overwhelmingly busy. Maybe it is the rush towards graduation, maybe it is the four jobs. The drain toward the end has made me feel nostalgic. My years at college were happy and enjoyable, despite everything I have said up until this point. I will miss everyone and everything about TU that made it special and great. And not to be too self-centered, but you guys are gonna miss me too. Or else.