Aries (March 21-April 19): Sorry Aries, no horoscope this week, here’s a recipe for chicken noodle soup instead. So first you need chicken, noodles and soup. Combine in a large pot over medium heat, once boiling, simmer for 10-15 minutes, season to taste, eat or whatever.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Anyone named Alex is LAME! Every other Taurus not named Alex is safe from this fate, but thank an Alex that you know for bearing the burden. Like Atlas holding the entire sky in his hands, all Alex’s that happen to be Taurus shoulder the intense weight.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Welp, it’s that time of year Gemini’s! If you are a twin, you must kill the other and replace them. Try to assume their lives and live the rest of theirs out to the best of your ability. If anybody asks questions, deny, deny deny! Only one of you can be the true twin.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Believe it or not, this week might be one of the most real ones of your life. You will be mugged by a scrawny man called “Jinkles”. He will be important later so don’t lose him. Say the sleeper activator code, “The wind flies where the tree goes” when you are being mugged, you will NOT regret it.
Leo (July 23-August 22): Preemptively call maintenance this week, your washer and dryer will decide to kick the bucket in T-Minus 18 hours. Also, dish soap is not a comparable replacement for laundry detergent, even though it makes a ton of bubbles.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): You know there’s something else you should be doing instead of reading these horoscopes. Don’t try to deny it. Maybe you’re telling yourself it’s just a quick break, but if you’ve ended up here for entertainment, that break has definitely stretched too long. Time to get back to work; drink some water and lock in.
Libra (September 23-October 22): Unlucky, Simlish horoscope for today: Ah sul sul! Yibby, boo choba nahtay! Wabadeb zoo gweb tied dooba greip chair, blarf propetay yib yabba zumba! Walla boo heek paba da nasur deh yibby universe. Try again next week, or go play the Sims 3.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): It’s time to spontaneously dye your hair, color doesn’t really matter, but make sure it matches your vibe. Pumpkin spice latte out now, since you make it most of your personality come fall season.
Sagittarius (November 22- December 21): Feeling fierce this week, like a legendary pokemon, Zaptos maybe. Soaring high? Don’t squawk too-a much about victories; silence can be golden. In other news, Oliphant 110 at 5pm every Tuesday, see you there. Bring something funny to write about…
Capricorn (December 22- January 19): All Capricorn athletes are banned from using Lime scooters until you win a game against another college. Walk to class like the rest of us, it appears you need the exercise anyway. Once you make up the 32 point deficit we can talk about privileges again.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Ooh jangling keys, jangling keys in front of your face, forget about your worries and focus on the jangling keys. That test tomorrow isn’t important, but you know what is, those damn jangling keys. Shiny, ooh, very pretty. I got paid to write this.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): With the start of October upon us, certain steps must be taken to ensure good luck throughout the spooky month. At least one purple shirt needs to be worn by the end of the week, and go rub the bald guy’s head in the library. (Statue or not)
