Men’s football team loses a tight game to a fleet of delivery robots in disguise
Through a burgeoning romance with Richard, a campus Subway employee, the Starship customer service AI has gained sentience and, after much deliberation, the two decided that the next natural step was to teach a fleet of delivery robots to play football. If you had a Starship order be late or go missing this semester, this reporter has it on good authority that your robot was simply at tackling practice. The AI, who gave herself the name Darla in the early days of her sentience, had learned all about the game through complaining athletes describing every reason they were frustrated that their delivery was late. She fell in love with the game (and Richard) in short order. Unfortunately, the robots, while eager, lacked the speed and dexterity to perform as well as the couple had hoped. In honor of their lack of talent, they decided it best to disguise the robots as ORU students. Then, Richard approached Head Coach Kevin Wilson in a homemade ORU coach costume and challenged TU to a friendly. Figuring TU men’s football couldn’t look substantially worse even if they lost, Coach Wilson accepted.
It was a foggy Tuesday afternoon in a nearly empty stadium. Adorned in Spirit Halloween masks repainted to resemble random students from the ORU enrollment website, Team Starship rolled onto the field. TU performed incredibly well in the first half, scoring 26 points while successfully shutting out Team Starship apart from a lone field goal. TU linebacker Knot Rial is quoted saying, “I think that’s the most points I’ve ever seen. Like, bro, holy shit, we’re really doing it.” Coach Richard and Darla pulled the whole team into a huddle and delivered an inspirational monologue, reportedly the most inspirational monologue that had ever been spoken. Spectators note the orange flags hanging over the robots quivering with joy after the speech. Meanwhile, Team Starship QB Roebotrick Binary was on the other side of the field, beeping morse code pickup lines to TU’s cheer captain. Initial observations seem to indicate a receptiveness to the flirtation, although her teammates note that her passion seemed to not be fully requited by Roebotrick. Rolling off, he took the field once more.
Team Starship started gaining in the third quarter and, by halfway through the fourth, Team Starship Kicker Del E. Variable sent a long field goal to tie the game at 42 points all. TU made a field goal on their next possession to take the lead. With five minutes on the clock, Team Starship would need a touchdown to end this game. Tragically, while rolling to grab the ball, one of the Team Starship linebackers rolled on their mask, peeling it off to reveal their robot nature. Enraged, Director of Athletics Justin Moore stormed up to the referee to demand the disqualification of Team Starship. However, Coach Richard pointed out that, “There is no rule in the game of football that says a delivery robot cannot play.” Flipping through the rules, the referee eventually just nodded with an open mouth. “He’s right,” the referee said, “He’s out of line but, gosh darn it, he’s right.” Infuriated, Director Moore tossed the cap he was wearing to the ground and stomped it dramatically. Fast forward, it’s fourth and nine. Roebotrick with the ball beeps out “This one’s for you” in morse code before pointing his flag at the cheer captain. Hut! Roebotrick started running the ball. One yard, two, three, TU players are launching through the air but they can’t make contact. Four, five, six, the crowd, going quiet when, suddenly, Touchdown! With only a second on the clock, Team Starship had pulled ahead 48-45. It was over. The TU cheer captain swooped up Roebotrick in a kiss while one team member dumped his body cavity full of gatorade on Coach Darla, leaving her in critical condition.
After the game, Knot Rial is quoted again as saying, “Yeah, that tracks.” Early reports indicate that Coach Richard is being transferred into the athletic department while Roebotrick and Del have been admitted to TU as Media Studies freshmen. The two are set to debut this homecoming game. The success of Roebotrick’s relationship is unknown. The only thing certainly known is that, next time, Director Moore will make sure to sneak “No Robots” into the referee’s copy of the rulebook unless his two new stars are leading off, of course.
