Meet this year’s contestants for the Golden Human Spleen!
It’s that time of year again, when every student on TU’s campus is waiting with bated breath, crossed fingers and clenched sphincters for the school’s most famous and beloved event. I’m speaking, of course, about the University of Tulsa’s annual Battle of the Bands, a function which needs no introduction. After all, what TU student could make it to April without having been familiarized ad nauseum with the 1997 exploding of Garth Brooks, the long-standing tradition of the people centrifuge, or that one event — you know the one — which immediately comes to mind when we hear the words “pole vault.” This competition, where the iconic Golden Human Spleen is striven for by all of campus’s best musical acts, truly does live in all of our hearts, and this year’s is looking even more exciting than the last (last year’s: TU’s 2025 Battle of the Bands Lineup – The Collegian). With that said, here are the newcomers to be at this year’s TU Battle of the Bands!
1. “The Doo-Doo Sluts”:
This all-Honors-student punk/riot grrrl band is doing everything they can to keep it raw and stick it to the man, with songs like “smoking a doobie joint and not caring about the law,” or “having lots of crazy sex (with cars, even).” While energy and effort is present in spades, some critics claim that their Baptist-homeschooled roots are betrayed by their treatment of the word “gosh darn” as an expletive in single “I’m really gonna say it,” or their confusion around typical rebellious behaviors, often listing sacrificing to Molech/Baal in catalogue with things like smoking marijuana, or wearing shorts. Nevertheless, these girls are determined to prove that, beneath those hearts of gold, they’re rotten to the core. Come to the Battle of The Bands to see if they can do it — in an attempt to truly make a scene, lead singer Chastity Robinson has already announced she will dare to wear quarter-length socks.
2. Picnic! At The Disco
Just when you thought you couldn’t cringe any harder, these musicians are here to push you past the limits of your imagination: Picnic! At The Disco’s musical mission, as described by sound engineer Samuel Sneed, is to “take the raw, chaotic beauty of the music from our namesake, Imagine Dragons or One Republic, and remake them with lyrics that the whole family can sing along to.” These lyrics are often retellings of fairy tales, lullabies or direct plagiarism from the musical Hamilton, and the covers have exploded in popularity in places like Austin, TX and Seattle, WA, where millennial parents have purchased so many CDs of their debut album “Aesop’s Inner Demons” that the National Association of Pediatric Psychologists have declared a potential epidemic of Unshowered Personality Disorder.
3. FOX Mews
Fronted by looksmaxxing hobbyist Trevor Brigg, this group is sure to make waves with their avant garde approach to performance: “just mog.” No dancing. No vocals. No movement whatsoever from their wrists up. They stand stock-still, statically flexing their mandibles, lats, and shoulders while carefully positioning their frames to give the greatest shoulder to waist ratio possible as all five members play their respective electric basses. Each member refused to be interviewed, to avoid either supporting the lamestream media, a potential cortisol spike, or self-incriminating themselves for more advanced looksmaxxing routines.
4. Chili’s Baby Back Ribs
A solo act by freshman Junior Soft-Moore Sr., Chili’s Baby Back Ribs is an alternative techno project which works exclusively with one sample of audio: the iconic baby back ribs jingle from Chili’s. Producing countless, surprisingly dulcet variations, Soft-Moore has obtained a rather large promotion deal with the restaurant itself, giving his performance ample funds not only to support his son, Junior Soft-Moore Jr., but also to make a splash at the Battle this year, most likely into the 500 gallons of barbecue sauce being stored backstage for his act.
5. The Joseph Smith Glorification Angelic Choir
Led by a certain pair of evangelists, this band’s participation is pending review of their threat not to stop singing until “the entire audience is converted to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints by their glorifying voices.” While early live performances indicate a strong vocal talent in the duo, critics claim that their homemade hymns are far from musically interesting, and that their steadfast devotion to the key of C major hinders their ability to stand out in a crowd.
6. The Only Good Band Ever
You really just have to see this one.
7. Wock Sippas in Cement Block Slippas
Championing the most plays on a single of any competitor, WSICBS has every aspect of 80s and 90s West Coast rap in composition, melded with the lyrical pessimism of modern midwest emo. In tracks like “It’s Over,” they showcase a unique ability to threaten, brag and roast while consistently being certain that, as lead singer Raymond “Rayjak” Jackson puts it in the song’s refrain:
“They’re really gonna kill me now (what?)
I said they’re really gonna kill me now (what?)
I said they’re really really really gonna slime my ass out this time (FAAHHHH!)”
8. Evil Chili’s Baby Back Ribs
Unavailable for comment.
9. The Concept of Racism in a Sandwich Bag
These alt-metal rockers’ music has two competing goals: either break your brain or break your eardrums. Having recently won an award for creating the first ever polyrhythm to include imaginary numbers, The Concept are quickly rising to cult classic (or possibly just cult) status, selling out Guthrie Green for one of many live performances, which are necessary for fans to hear their songs as they contain frequencies which commercially available speakers cannot play. Very few critics have been able to provide a concise review of the music, as they have all either gone deaf before the first song’s chorus, or contracted extreme psychosis from the rest of the show. However, to give the uninitiated an idea of the band’s ethos, when The Collegian asked The Concept if their work was inspired by Tool, the outfit as one man chanted, “I don’t associate with normie, forward-slash corporate, forward-slash predictable art,” and vanished from the interview in a puff of rank smoke.
10. Vaccinated, by Dr. Evil
As an honor to this band, I will write a review in the style that they seem to write every single song, which is to say a subpar r/twosentencehorror post:
“These are the best lyrics I’ve ever heard!” Exclaimed the critic, as he enjoyed the air conditioning.
After all, it was rather warm for opposite day.
Screenshot tucollegian | Collegian
These are our new contestants, but let’s not forget those veteran bands returning from last year, including last year’s winner, Wait, If You’re Serving, And I’m Eating, Who’s Piloting The Hindenburg? with their hit song “Jet Fuel Can’t Melt Steel Beams (but our love can).” Below are the returning competitors, who need as little introduction as the Battle of the Bands itself:
– Wock and Ball Torture
– Dr. Pepper is a Man
– Jellyboys
– Fetal Gravy
– Dave Matthews Band*
– Raw Milk Turned Me Pansexual
– Watching a Sex Scene with Dad
– https://freebandnamegenerator.net/eQsf2/refresh/home
– Gandhi in Brooklyn
– Wallapalooie University
– Hatsune Michelob
– Tradwives for Biden
– Help! My Gym Teacher is a Democrat!
– Stealing Horse Jockeys for my Oompa Loompa Farm
– My Real Dad Would Let Me Have A Cigarette!
– Tha Beetles
– Rule 35
– JFK and the Booze Cruisers
*not that Dave Matthews Band
