Aries (March 20th-April 19th): October begins this week! The harvest moon waxes as the supernatural word quickens before All Hallow’s Eve. All nature of monsters awaken, including the cockroaches in the John, which become fully sentient during this lunar cycle. This makes killing one karmically equivalent to human murder. Also, you’re fated to wake up to one on your lip this Tuesday. Good luck, Champ.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): That first wave of exams was rough, huh? Don’t worry, Taurus, as your astrologer it’s my job to tell you that this has nothing to do with your work ethic or seven hour screen time, and everything to do with the fact that Flegetonte was in the Northern Hemisphere last week.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): The stars have revealed that TU’s debt is a direct punishment for renaming the Activities Center the Student Union — you have to warn the Board of Trustees! Break into their next meeting wearing only a fresh squirrel pelt for blessing, and let the stars guide your speech. Fear no consequence; the Universe is with you. Don’t you trust me?
Cancer (June 21st-July 22nd): Be at Chapman Commons at 5:39 a.m. on Saturday, Oct. 3. This will be the single most important moment of your entire life.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): The stars see all, and there’s something they think you should know. Betelgeuse has been watching people pee (don’t ask), and apparently your boyfriend washes his hands, like, maybe once in 30 wizzes. This includes date nights, by the way. But then again, your signs are compatible; isn’t true love worth $7.98 a month in Purell?
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): I need you to keep Cancer awake late on Friday night. Do whatever works: use FOMO and go to Waffle House at midnight, hide a cricket in their room, sneak instant coffee into their food, whatever — just don’t let them down until like 2 a.m. or, uhh, bad fortune.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): Your sign’s month continues, and you feel your strength lessen as thousands of newborn Libras take their share of the collective energy. Don’t worry, though, the weak, immunocompromised and elderly Libras are taking the same hit; in a month or two you’ll be back down to carrying capacity.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): Your chakras are backed up and starting to fester as you continue to order the exact same Chick-fil-A meal trade twice a day, six days a week. Astrologers are empaths, and it hurts me to see your gut bacteria hurting. Please eat more fiber than the singular gram in waffle fries, Scorpio.
Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): The stars reveal an urgent mission: someone born between June 21 and July 22 will suffer a fatal allergic reaction on Friday evening, and you are the only one who can save them! Put three benadryl in anyone who fits this description’s water bottle that night. This is a matter of life and death, do NOT shirk your duty.
Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): If I read Orion correctly… Yes, it’s true! Listen carefully, Capricorn: This week only, download the Arby’s app and enter your email between 2 p.m. and 6 p.m., and get any sandwich off the baseline menu for just $1! This horoscope brought to you by Arby’s LLC*
*(Not really)
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): I have a business proposition for you, Aquarius: at 5:39 a.m. on Saturday, a flock of delirious Cancers will be on the New U. All you have to do to get $4,000, no questions asked, is show up in a rented U-haul, tell them to get inside, and drive them to the Arkansas River. I’ll do the rest.
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): I can sense non-Piscers’ presences reading this. What, did you think I would explain the whole Cancer abduction thing if you got to the end? I don’t owe you anything, now scram! Ugh, sorry about that Pisces; your horoscope this week is stay away from storm drains.
