Aries (March 21 – April 19): This week will mostly be
filled with joy and hope for a better future. Except for
Thursday, you will wake up with a lack of motivation.
As you go through your day it will only get worse. The
only hope for making it to Friday is drinking 56 ounces
of orange juice, then the rest of your week will be great.
If you cannot complete this task, you will be doomed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): At exactly 12:56 p.m. you
will run into who could be the love of your life. You will
spend the next few days together, but when you finally
take that first step and hold hands you will both turn
into snails. Be warned — they are not the love of your life.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): This next week will feel
odd. Every conversation, meal, sleep etc. will be missing
something; you will not find out why until Friday.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): You will wake up to a pain
in your arm, where you will find a green rash. Where
did this come from? What does it mean? There is a
singular cure. At exactly 3:05 a.m. go outside and eat a
handful of grass; you will transform into the healthiest
version of yourself.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): You have spent the past few
weeks super worried and anxious. Unfortunately, this
feeling won’t stop. It’s okay, who doesn’t love anxiety?
Good luck.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You will go to your
classes and feel as if you are finally learning something.
The confidence will be overwhelming as you conquer the
first exam of the year. Once that grade comes back, you
will realize all you did was gaslight yourself into thinking
you did great.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): This week will ap-
pear to be normal, but you will realize that the more you
speak, your voice will change. By the end of the week,
every time you open your mouth to speak you will sound
like a duck. Make sure to be as quiet as possible or the
only words that will come out of your mouth will be
“Quack.”
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): No horoscope for you. Better
luck next week.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Watch out!
This week there will be hammers falling from the sky
every time you walk outside. This may be scary, but in
hindsight you can collect hammers and sell them. Be
careful not to get hit.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Capricorn, we
all know you have the spirit of the goat. This week, all
the goats in the world will seek you out. As you walk
back from class, a stampede of goats will chase you
down. My advice is to buy new running shoes.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): You desperately
want to be loved. This will happen eventually, but not
this week. You will try to find love and fail. It’s okay,
being in the friend zone is not too bad. Keep trying, you
may eventually find someone.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You have spent the
past two months waiting for someone who you wish to
date. This is your week; they will ask you out. But do
not miss it. If you do, you will never be together. Love is
overrated, but watch out for that special question.
