Has Biden absorbed the life-force of younger Dems?

Who is former Vice President Joe Biden? After Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar dropped out of the race for the Democratic nomination last week, no one has seen either of them. But I, the intrepid student journalist that I am, know the truth. Biden sucked the life-force out of both of them because he is, in fact, a space vampire. Just like that movie from the ‘80s, Biden hasn’t aged well, but not for lack of trying.

However, not all space vampires are the same. There are different ways to extract one’s life-force. Regular ol’ space vampires pull electricity from the orifice of a much younger human, typically the mouth. Biden doesn’t seem to do that. Space vampires also tend to entrance their victims before taking their life-force. Joe doesn’t really have a way with words, even though Corn Pop is a bad dude and all men and women are cre— … you know … you know the thing.

Biden probably steals life-force via sensory receptors or something. Let’s see, senses, there’s sight. Nah. Taste? No. Sound? Nope. Tou— …uh-oh. Touch. TOUCH. All those creepy interactions with children. This goes far beyond Pete and Amy. Sme— …oh no. All that hair he smelled! He might be too powerful now.

What probably happened is that Biden lured Mayor Pete in with his verbal gaffes. Determined to teach Biden how to speak in meaningless platitudes like a professional, he endorsed Biden. Since Mayor Pete was in close proximity, Biden gave Buttigieg a final handshake before stealing his life-force.

With Klobuchar, it was inevitable. One hug was all it would take. But Joe Biden had to get a quick whiff of Amy’s perfectly shaped hair before extracting her life-force as well. May the two budding establishment cogs rest in peace. Biden’s next target was Bloomberg, but he soon discovered that the only source of life emanating from Bloomberg was his money, so he just took that instead.

Based on the quantity of lifeforce Joe Biden has stolen over the years, it can be safely assumed that other life-forces do not improve cognitive abilities.

Post Author: Brett Tyndall