Quiz: Can you be the State-Run Editor?

27 April 2017
Sam Chott, Aspiring Onion writer

Take this fun quiz to figure out if you can be the State-Run Editor.

Having been a satire editor for a year, I like to think that I know a bit about it. In lieu of a goodbye letter, I’ve decided to write a quiz to see if you, too, could become a satire editor for one of the best student publications in the Oklahoma region.

1. You’ve been chosen to be satire editor. How do you feel about it?
a) Terrified, because you’re definitely gonna fuck this up.
b) Kinda worried that it’ll take up all of your time.
c) Excited! This is gonna be fun.

2. Ok, you’re actually satire editor now. What sounds like a good article to have people write?
a) “Why I won’t freestyle rap until Trump is impeached”
b) “Ayn Rand’s back, and boy does she have some stuff to say”
c) “You now need security clearance to grab my aux”

3. You got a lot of potential writers at the beginning of the year, but then they all kinda stopped coming to meetings. How do you feel about that?
a) Pretty sad.
b) Pretty sad.
c) Pretty sad.

4. You’re approaching the end of the year. What are you gonna do?
a) Not apply to any jobs, because you’re great at procrastinating.
b) Start regretting that you didn’t get up to more shenanigans while you were in college.
c) Lowkey hope that someone from The Onion reads this paper and offers you a job.

5. How do you feel about your time at the Collegian?
a) Sad, because you didn’t work as hard as you could have, and you wasted some of the opportunities you had.
b) Incredibly thankful. You’ve been able to work with amazing people, and you’ve consistently impressed by their skill and dedication to journalism.
c) Angry. Everyone at the Collegian puts in so much work, and the only time they ever get feedback is when people get offended by what the Collegian runs.

Mostly A: Sorry, you fucked up being a satire editor
You really tried, you did. But you had a lot going on, you couldn’t come up with very many good ideas and you feel like you wasted a lot of opportunities.

Mostly B: You did kinda okay as a satire editor
You had some good shit. You ran a bunch of quizzes and lists, which are the laziest article formats, but they were also pretty good. Your cutting political wit didn’t prevent Trump from being elected last semester, though.

Mostly C: You fucking killed it
You were a bomb-ass satire editor. You kept running tiny terrible blurbs to fill space, and somehow they’re the funniest things you’ve ever written. You ran a bunch of quizzes and lists, which are clearly the best article format. You even got positive feedback from two whole people, and neither of those were your mom! You did a good job.

Secret Ending:
All of the above: You’re Sam Chott

If you secretly chose the hidden answer “d) all of the above” on all five questions, congratulations, you’re Former Satire Editor Sam Chott. All three endings apply to you. If I had to guess, you’re probably pretty grateful that you got to work with all of the other editors, and for every single amazing satire writer. Working at The Collegian is something that will probably stay with you for your entire life.

See ya later, punks.