Aries: I hear hurricanes blowing, I know the end is coming soon. I fear rivers overflowing; I hear the voice of rage and ruin. Do not go around tonight, for it’s bound to take your life – there’s a bad moon on the rise. Alright.
Taurus: I foresee two possible timelines this week: one where you don’t eat the fruit cocktail at Pat Case and one where you do. I can’t reveal too much, but the one where you do involves the extinction of the marmot; if you don’t, Pete Buttigeg gets kidney stones. Choose wisely.
Gemini: This week, enjoy the warmth and the change of the seasons; set aside time to really appreciate the way life re-emerges from the cold. What I’m trying to say is, enjoy this spring like it’s your last, because you never know when you’ll suffer a serious head wound at your summer internship at 3:51 PM on July 7th.
Cancer:
Leo: Hey, this is awkward, but the Collegian hasn’t paid me in like 7 months, so I’m putting up a paywall on your horoscope. If you meet me with 4 lbs of copper wiring, I’ll tell you what happens this week, subject to negotiation. You can reach me at (918) 671-2408
Virgo: Virgo, do you have a friend whose birthday falls between the 20th of April and May? Are you trying to figure out if they are a democrat? A fun way to tell this week is to see if they suffer through the Pat Case fruit cocktail – I told them it would save Pete Buttigeg from kidney stones.
Libra: Please, Libra, we know Thursday wouldn’t have been a snow day in Elk Mound, WI. We don’t care. This is Tulsa. Here, the cost to benefit ratio of having any sort of snowplow infrastructure is in the trillions; everyone in your county had two pairs of snow pants. Just be grateful for the day off, dude.
Scorpio: The weather is warming up again, and bringing with it much slush and sludge as the snow melts away. Start eating it. The brown parts are vitamins, and the grey parts are minerals. Start eating the sludge. The grainy bits? Those are good karma.
.
Sagittarius: “It” is coming for you, and it won’t rest until you are one of “it,” chasing you, breakneck, no matter where you turn. You can run, Sagittarius, but you can’t hide. These are the rules of the popular game ‘tag.’
Capricorn: This week, your spiritual energy soars, while your but not religious energy matches it, making you the perfect candidate to ruin a demographic poll with your complete cop out of an approach to a higher power. Collegian advises against any more weed until Pleiades is back up.
Aquarius: As the days grow longer, the nights are truncated, as is the information they give through the stars, and the subsequent horosc
Pisces: Hello, pisces. Expect great things this week, as your spiritual energy grows. Look to the future for energy in getting through this week, Pisces. March approaching awakens your heart chakra, and grants healing energy; Enjoy it!
