Valentine’s Day was originally the Catholic feast day for St. Valentine who was a man who was either a priest or a bishop. To be honest it doesn’t really matter because both professions require you to be single. How in the world did a holiday about a famously single guy become a holiday all about being in a relationship? Now, of course, there is nothing wrong with people in a relationship. Hey, some of my best friends are in a relationship. The problem is the constant wave of society wanting everyone to be in a relationship. From social media to your grandparents who for some reason think you should get married by 22. From the constant wave of society reminding you that you are single all year long (constantly listening to Conan Gray probably doesn’t help) to the massive tsunami of loneliness on Valentine’s Day you can understand why some single people might get a little testy during this time of the year.
This is a hard time for the single community who dreads the holiday because the only thing worse than being single is being single on Valentine’s Day. That is where the great game begins – finding a Valentine’s date.
The search begins in multiple ways. Sometimes it’s on a dating app where you expand the location to the entire Midwest because, hey, South Dakota is not really that far away. Or, you ask everyone you know what they are doing for Valentine’s Day, just to find out that everyone has a date except for you and now all of your friends now know that you do not have a Valentine. Or, you call your situationship which confuses everything even more.
The most desperate measure when all of the online dates have turned out just to be bots, everyone in the city has a date and you have screamed out into the void and did not receive an answer is going down into the depths of your phone. I mean, the real depth is a hundred feet down in the tunnels across a moat of boiling water and guarded by a secret order of knights. There you will find a vault that contains the contact info of your ex. As you search through the abyss for anything that resembles a person who you can spend that one day with you hear a deep laughter right behind you. You look down and right behind you creeping out of the shadows is that one friend.
You know when you are in a friend group and almost all of you are single except for one person, the only person in the friend group in a relationship? Of course, surrounded by other people outside of the friend group they are fun and nice but when alone with the friend group they morph like a werewolf during the full moon where they feast on the singleness of you and your friends flexing their relationship wealth at the relationship impoverished.
All I’m trying to say is that during these dark times, people in relationships need to leave their single friends alone. Go back into your ivory towers for a romantic date and let us slump into our hovels where we listen to the entire Hozier discography while eating three boxes worth of Kraft mac and cheese.
Super Bowl Article
On Feb. 9 this last Sunday, America’s greatest game was played — the Super Bowl. This is the great unifier when all people come together, some to watch football, some to watch the Halftime show, some to watch the commercials and others who just want to get together to see if they can finally finish a nine-layer dip.
This year was no different. All over the country, people gathered in living rooms to watch two teams take the field. The Kansas City Chiefs, the Super Bowl winners of the last two years supported by the unlikely alliance of middle-aged Midwestern dads and Swiftie fans (who remind me of dwarves fighting beside elves in Lord of the Rings) against the Philadelphia Eagles, who haven’t won the Super Bowl since 2018. This was going to be the game of the century between two real titans of football, one who has an amazing Super Bowl record against the team who has been trying to take back the crown for years.
Yes, this was going to be the battle of the century. At least it would have been if the Kansas City Chiefs did not have their talents stolen by a group of aliens who needed their powers to challenge Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. Wait, that’s the plot to Space Jam which seems to make more sense than whatever happened to the Chiefs.
When the Eagles first scored they cheered loud and proud throughout the country but then at the second touchdown it was a nice hearty “woohoo” and then a good fist bump. But by 24-0 everyone was busier with that nine-layer dip than the game.
Then there was the Halftime show with Kendrick Lamar. You know that rapper who never disses people and never riles people up except he does quite famously do that? And in Lamar fashion, he took down King Trump so beautifully that people will be studying his Halftime show like philosophers study Socrates.
Who knows what changed? Maybe it was Samuel L. Jackson dressed as Uncle Sam, the performance of SZA, the wave of the Palestinian flag or maybe it was the sound of Drake turning into a pillar of dust and blowing in the wind. Whatever it was it seemed to inspire Patrick Mahomes, Travis Kelce and everyone else in the Chiefs to actually show up. Just like a scene out of a high school football movie the Chiefs began to actually score.
They were really bringing the heat and just when they started to reach their peak the game ended with the Eagles winning by 18 points. So instead of the Chiefs going to Disney World they go to Worlds of Fun which I bet is just as fun.
It is not the Chiefs that I am sorry for but their fans — you know, the ones who really thought they had this in the bag and now have to go to work and school only to be subjected to the embarrassment of cheering for the wrong team. Don’t worry, you guys got next year. Unless another team comes out of nowhere to beat you again.
