Aries (March 20-April 19th): You guys really didn’t know about Bubba? It must be so weird not having clairvoyance, I’ve heard some of you even think it was Clinton—you wish. Not that it didn’t happen, but the only videos of it are the ones seared into the retinas of every over-curious rookie with a crystal ball; I couldn’t eat a donut for a month.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): One more week one more week one more week one more week one more week one more week one more week one more week one more week one more week one more week one more week one more week one more week one more week one mo
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): The future is fowl, Gemini. Morality will be forsaken, men indulging in their most baste desires, becoming the stuffing of nightmares. I yam sorry to say that the stars anticipate gravy danger, for which you were destined ere your life pecan. Uhh. “Mashed Potatoes.”
Cancer: (June 21st- July 22nd): I have a strange portent from the stars about this Thanksgiving’s pardoned turkey. They’re saying that it’s going to be a person? A person from an island…? Actually, it looks like they’re extending the pardon to cover… oh. Well that’s about par for the course. Welcome to the Century of American Humiliation!
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Leos, it’s your turn to keep campus from despawning this break; at least one of you is going to have to be on campus at all times, or all the trees will fall down since no one can hear them. We know you want to go home, but the last time campus lost object permanence, the Universe retconned Goldie (RIP).
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): The stars have kindly informed me that you still have 159 dining dollars left for the semester. That’s crazy, haha, you probably couldn’t spend that alone if you tried. I could totally use some of that, if you’re not too stingy to share. Unrelated, but did I mention I learned blood curses in astrology school? Fruit for thought.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): The moon wanes this week, opening your liver chakra for healing and resiliency, while your prefrontal cortex chakra is turned almost completely dormant—it’s about to be a beautiful blackout Wednesday.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): This is the last horoscopes of 2025, so here’s your future til spring: Nov. 30th, your dog gets worms, Dec 10th (reading day) you sleep for 36 hours, Dec 19th you get worms, Dec 20th your dog gets better, Jan 1st you get better, Jan 11th you officially quit your New Year’s resolution to start jogging, Jan 18th the worms are back.
Sagittarius (November 22nd- December 21st): Exams are like a box of chocolates in that on December 16th at 12:45 pm, a solar flare in your sign’s constellation causes you to forget everything included in a box of chocolates. Exams are unlike a box of chocolates in that someone will probably give you an exam this February.
Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): “Isn’t it the holidays? Why are there no Christmas horoscopes?” Well first off, buddy, it’s not even Thanksgiving yet: not everyone’s so dopamine-addled that they’re already bored of November, you iPad kid. And second, I uhh, lowkey forgot to make any before now, and it’ll be obvious if I start in Capricorn.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Collegian depends on loyal readers like you to stay viable, and more importantly, I depend on validation from strangers thinking I’m funny to fuel my bloated ego, so I’m shamelessly plugging the rest of this week’s State-Run. Enjoying horoscopes? Refill your popcorn, you’ll love “Brad Carson sits down to lonely Thanksgiving dinner.”
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): It’s almost 2026, the prophesied year of The Cleansing! I’m so excited: I’ve been practicing hiding from seraphim all month, I’ve got my sheep’s blood ready for the doorway, and I finished all my covenant sacrifices — I’m definitely gonna survive. Sure would hate not to be prepared for the Taking One, am I right? Man that would suck.
