HAZMAT teams work to remove biohazards from Gaming Living Learning Community ruins.
On Sunday, April 26, following a hot and rainy spell in Oklahoma, Fisher Suites Residence Hall collapsed after reaching critical hydration in what witnesses have said “sounded like a sigh of relief.” At 4:45 p.m., recovered security camera footage showed the walls beginning to deform or lose elevation in the porous walls of Fisher West. At 5:30 p.m., several work orders began to come in regarding complaints of crumbling walls and disintegrating ceiling tiles, all of which were recovered from the ‘trash’ folder on the Housing and Dining Center computer where all student work orders are instantly sent without being read. At 6:54 p.m., a loud snapping sound was heard across campus as the metallic structural components of the residence hall gave way to the sagging fiberboard and drywall flesh around them, and by 7:15 p.m., the residence hall had fully torn away from Pat Case Dining Center and settled into the ground like the contents of a kitty litter overdue for a change.
The main cause appears to have been the air conditioning system in the building, which works by bringing the rooms to 95% humidity after running for five minutes. As a result, the absorbent drywall, ceiling tiles, carpets and mold, which comprise the majority of the residence hall, began to degrade in stability after multiple days of extreme (above 75°F) temperatures. At the behest of the University of Tulsa’s Campus Services, who insist that they definitely read the work orders about such things, the Tulsa Fire Department intends to launch an almost-full investigation pending the go-ahead from a biohazard cleanup crew from the National Guard issued to remove the various irregular biohazards in the rubble.
The hazmat team was deployed after several disintegrated dorm rooms revealed sins against hygiene that made several firefighters violently ill to behold. To begin with, the ever-changing reek which inhabits the second floor hallway of the dormitory was released from its bounds, resulting in over 300 rodent and bird casualties.
Multiple areas of the computer science-dominant dorm were strewn with upholstery, garments and body pillows so thoroughly soiled with rancid Mountain Dew sweat that representatives from textile giants Fruit of the Loom, Under Armor and Sugoisenpaipillowstore.net have made statements which deemed dirt accruements of over 20 days beyond the scope of their legal culpability.
In the Gaming and Esports Living Learning Community, an LLC for students with shared passions for online games like League of Legends and Marvel Rivals, conditions are even more perilous. Over 70 shattered mason jars with small figurines inside have been found in the wreckage as well as one apparatus, which a defeated roommate of its owner identified as a “battle bucket.” All of these were highly contaminated with biotic substances, some of which registered several hundred counts per minute on the geiger scale.
Complaints and questions abound in the controversial all-floor Fisher Suites GroupMe chat as the former residents are distributed between the recently vacated Kappa Sigma fraternity house, Hardesty Hall and the roach hole in John Mabee Hall . Over 4,000 messages have been sent in the past 36 hours, over 98% of which have been sent from the same two accounts. They are not the only ones. The John Mabee Residence Hall Arthropods’ Tenant Union, or JMRHATU (the acronym is easier to pronounce in cockroach), has sued the university for health code violations following their failure to exterminate the League of Legends esports team from the JM stairwell.
