Students ride out the scooter phase the hipster way.
Limes. Birds. Whatever model you prefer, there’s no denying the fact that these two-wheeled wonders have been quick to scoot into the hearts of people all across TU’s campus. Gone are the days of self-propulsion (I’m looking at you, calves) when all it takes to make it to your 8 a.m. on time is a smartphone, a dollar and one of these marvels of micro rideshare technology.
However, when society moves forward, progress isn’t always spread out evenly. The case in point: a bizarre sect of TU students pushing a troubling new trend.
“You see, with an analog scooter, you really can just feel the road so much better,” says student Kelsiee Wagoner. “Every bump is a kiss from the road, and every push forward is a romantic reply. A trip to class is basically a love letter when you ride a Razor scooter.”
Wagoner is just one of the many faces of a movement that threatens to destroy our new way of life. They stand in favor of boring old Krebs-cycle powered scooters over our beloved electric ones. And they’re gaining quite a following.
A casual headcount of every Razor parked around campus reveals that at least 200 students have made the switch to this antiquated method of transportation. A terrifying number, which doesn’t even include those who store their scooters inside or on their person for safe keeping.
The fear now is that with fewer people using their scooters, Lime and Bird might decide that keeping them in the area just isn’t profitable and remove them from Tulsa altogether, a prospect that has many, including myself, outraged with these vile vehicle hipsters.
“Frankly, it’s disgusting. Now that I’ve been given this technology, how can I be expected to expend energy to move myself around anymore?” said disgruntled student Kevin Bayes. “Put foot to ground like — like some kind of animal? These kids are ruining things for everybody!”
The truth is, these people are not going to stop. They will keep touting the benefits of Razors, winning over more and more sheeple with talk of saving the environment, exercise and childhood nostalgia. No, the only thing we civilized folk can do to save our scoots is to make sure they remain profitable for the companies behind them.
So next time you want to get your mail, be sure to hop on a Lime. Walking your dog? Do it on a Bird. Use these scooters every chance you get — maybe even two, three at a time — whatever it takes. The survival of advanced society is in your hands, or rather, feet.
