Come get your horoscope! Aries – Eek! Blasted warlock sentenced you to the Dream Realm; the purple haze and its…
Gabby Petito’s disappearance garners national attention
The 22 year-old woman’s remains were recently discovered, with her still-missing boyfriend a person of interest. National attention placed a…
“Dear Evan Hansen” teaches local man to weaponize mental illness
The film preaches many moral messages, but best of all, it teaches how to up your manipulation game. Broadway sensation…
Development crunch time violates workers’ rights
Developers find their personal time increasingly meaningless to development companies despite skyrocketing profit margins. With the backdrop of the pandemic…
TU replaces Blue Light Phones with epic prank
Does this make you ragequit, Batman? Once passive, unspoken guardians of the campus, the Blue Light Phones have been drastically…
Horoscopes
Read your horoscope from State-Run Aries — Ma called asking for you again. Her typically honeyed tone was noticeably somber…
Freshman horror story: assigned roommate is thirteenth-century monk
Incoming freshman learns to adapt to the self-flaggelating medieval man sleeping on the other bunk. The beginning of this fall…
Texas rewards $10,000 to citizens who report “loose” women
Everything is bigger in Texas, including slut-shaming. The highly controversial Texas abortion law has banned abortions after six weeks and…
Fuck Tinder. I’m off to the Bog.
After years of mindlessly swiping and scrolling through dating apps, I have surely seen the talent pool this side of…
Ever Given releases apology video for being stuck in the Suez Canal
On Wednesday, disaster in the world of international trading struck: one of the largest container ships in the world (and…