Trump has promoted his VP to Virus Spreader-in-Chief.
Vice Supreme Leader Michael Pence has been named the CEO of Coronavirus, the hot new trend sweeping the globe!
Trump came out and made the decision public recently citing the usual amount of logic for his decision. As the nation watched on, Pence gave a speech on his new position of power.
“It seems Heaven and Trump have decided to nominate me as the man who gets to decide who lives and who dies from Coronavirus. This is a great day for White Evangelicals, and a great day for the virus.”
Pence has already started rolling out his new plan for the virus, which includes systematically infecting all the pro-vaxxers to prove them wrong.
A local student spoke her opinion on Pence being the head of the virus.
Pence has already started implementing his plans to spread the virus. Over Los Angeles last week, a giant Coronavirus mothership appeared and began to spray the virus all over the city, and other cities quickly followed. There appears to be no rhyme or reason as far as how Pence chooses his targets, but it seems around 100 percent of them are left-leaning cities.
Pence also released a statement for appropriate action under his campaign against public health.
“Cough on everyone. If they are gay, do it twice. If they are brown, $&@# the peace signs, cough on them three times!”
“Furthermore,” Pence continued, “make sure you cover your mouth when you sneeze…with someone else’s elbow. That’s right! If you feel a real doozy coming on, grab the nearest individual, and throw that sneeze right on the kisser.”
Some pundits are worried that this newfound power will go to Pence’s head. Others are utterly certain of it. White House correspondents have stated that Pence has run amok in D.C., demanding to be called “Virus Mike” and nothing else.
Others say that he was never qualified for the position anyway. But that is a little ridiculous. Pence has probably had all sorts of positions that have prepared him for this role. Of the millions of doctors in America, there are probably none that know more about the virus than Pence.
The CDC would also have been a great place to find someone to be head of Coronavirus. After all, who knows more about how a virus spreads than them?
But then again, Pence just has that way with things that are toxic and unhealthy.
As it happens, the Virus Spreader-in-Chief himself has an increased likelihood of dying from the disease. But that is just speculation.
Regardless, Pence is heading up the virus as long as he is around.
Good luck, America!