Aries: The universe is sick of seeing you repeatedly perplexed by this, so it’s telling you outright: nobody is going to fall in love with you for your music taste – they might even fall out of love with you. At this point, if you play “Yellow” by Coldplay on one more date the stars will automatically curse you to die alone.
Taurus: The motor oil from last week is gone! Oh, you didn’t read the newspaper last week? Oh. Well that’s fine, it’s not like I spent five hours combined on my articles and horoscopes or anything. Not like this matters to me. Typical Taurus; I really thought you were different.
Gemini: Thank goodness your parents didn’t check your dorm when they visited you this weekend, right? WRONG! They found everything, and your mom cried for 45 minutes; they just didn’t confront you in person because they felt so shocked and betrayed. I’d be ready to answer the phone reeeal quick this week.
Cancer: While the stars totally get that you’ve had these outfits prepped for the past month, they also saw you sweat out your entire third chakra this past week. It might be time to accept the fact that you live in Oklahoma and put the flannels and crewnecks back in the closet for a bit.
Leo: This week, it appears that you will receive a great fortune, meet the love of your life but discover they’re engaged to someone else, gain the friendship of a planet, and learn that you were adopted. That, or the fog machine “bonfire” on Deitler is messing with my view of the stars.
Virgo: Midterms are over, and so, it seems, is your academic career. But hold on to hope: the universe is always its most over just before you are so back. The calculus comeback of the century is just behind the door of getting stupidly locked in. Remember, Virgo: Cs get degrees.
Libra: “I’m gonna take 11 shots,” “11 shots for Brandon Aiyuk,” “Time to drink 11 shots.” Then take them. I swear, you’ve spent more time talking to me about Civil Disobedience and the legal drinking age than you’ve spent talking to women ever. Just do it. I’ll bet five bucks he’s back on the field before you follow through.
Scorpio: Bad news, Scorpio! Your astrology network hasn’t been updated since 2011, and all the new Scorpios that were born last week totally wrecked your bandwidth. Your constellations are super pixelated, but it looks like… something… happens this week? Sorry, you get what you pay for big dawg.
Sagittarius: As Saturn reaches its equinox, your heartbeat is synchronized with Orion’s. Accordingly, Orion would like to know how many milligrams of caffeine you’re averaging a day, because he feels like a cosmic woodpecker got stuck in his chest cavity, and is experiencing anxiety for the first time in 3,000 years.
Capricorn: Halloween is just around the corner, and with it ghouls, ghosts, the awakening of your roommate’s curse, and of course, frat parties! Have fun, but remember to drink plenty of water, keep a ring of salt around your bed at night, always visit frats in a group, and never go to sleep without a crucifix. Stay safe!
Aquarius: The stars predict that this Friday, at precisely 2:21 p.m, the least chalant man in the known universe will descend the eastern stairs of the ACAC wearing jeans and a Hawaiian shirt, do his homework in an Einstein’s booth until exactly 3:12 p.m, then leave through the west doors.
Pisces: The stars would tell you your horoscope, but they’re currently in shock after even they failed to predict Saturday’s homecoming victory. That might make you want to question whether this astrology stuff is even legit, but I wouldn’t if I were you – that kind of thinking is dangerous for someone trying to get through college unscathed.
