Aries (March 20-April 19th): The stars see all comings and goings, and even they can’t tell you how that gecko got into the bathroom. They do understand it, but Fisher Suites has a weird, grubby freak aura around it, which causes phenomena that would melt your mind. Like level 60 Scientology if you knew wot of it. Something to do with quarks, I’m told.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Ok, yes, stealing is considered immoral by the Universe, but when I take Diet Dr Pepper from the ACAC soda fountain, that’s not stealing. I’ve ordered fountain drinks before, so these are just extended use of the free-refills. Plus it’s kind of a stealing-bread-to-feed-your-family type deal, because if I went cold turkey on the Sludge now, I think I’d get super cancer or something.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): Luck is merely a word we use when Fate is too complicated for mortals to understand. The stars show that naught is up to chance – including your hands in online poker. All in pre-flop isn’t gambling on luck, it’s following Destiny. Last week’s losses were a test, and you passed; this week brings your reward. Double or nothing, Gemini.
Cancer: (June 21st- July 22nd): Not really sure what happens to you this week, but I can tell you there’s a shit load of bees involved. No clue how they factor in, when I look into my scrying orb the view is blocked by like a trillion bees from every angle, just everywhere; it sounds like a thousand lawn mowers.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): As the moon reaches its full, healing energy flows through your liver chakras: it’s the perfect time to hop on steroids. Dianabol is no match for the power of the stars, and everyone knows the Dharmic Scales base your soul’s inherent value entirely on the size of your muscles.
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): A dismal end to the innocuous will occur this Friday at 10:54 AM: you will go to the bathroom before class and wash your hands with an overpressurized sink, imputing a spot of water exactly 2.54 inches in diameter just left of your pants zipper. And you. Forgot. To donate.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): This week, do everything you can to play poker with a Gemini. In exchange for 60% of your winnings, I’ve convinced them that they have super luck during the Hunter’s Moon of all times – who falls for that?? They’re going to have dogwater luck, and be betting higher than the average Green Day fan when their pre-algebra teacher leaves the glue unattended.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): The karmic scales were prepared to soothe the suffering of losing your prized 4.0 GPA, but then you said “this will be my first B since elementary” and the stars don’t really mess with braggarts like that.
Sagittarius (November 22nd- December 21st): October’s here, which means that yours truly is going to be a little too busy for horoscopes this month. All Hallow’s Eve is significantly less fun with occult powers: you’re carving jack-o-lanterns and apple picking, I’m exorcising 450 seasonal ghosts from my bathroom and re-damning the demon secretly controlling the Pat Case greeter.
Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th): I see calamity, a dark fog rolling over the people as the streets stain umber with freshly burned blood. A blight against the damned and the righteous alike, a devastation of all. The evil of man repaid tenfold by a cruel Universe, and C-store apples hit $2.00 apiece.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Damn! No horofcope vif week, Libra; Fteven Feagal juft ROCKED MY FHIT in the aftral plain!!! I floated in on him practicing fome Aikido trick while trying to fee your future, and he waf NOT happy. I didn’t efen know he could aftral project, dude bufted my aftral form’f lip, and now it hurtf to type the letter “s”– FHIT, OW!
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): Ok Chase, I’ve done what you asked: Mason, Adam, and Jack’s horoscopes are all set to sabotage them in this Friday’s game. Now will you PLEASE turn off the you-know-what???? I think I’m going to die soon.
