Administration rejoices over new cost-effective mascot.
If you’ve paid attention to TU recently, you may have noticed a common outcry for a certain mascot: “Where’s Goldie?” the student body wonders in unison. Many have reported hearing, “I haven’t seen Goldie at any events lately,” “Is Goldie okay?” or, “Look at Tulsa! They are eating the mascots!” Well, have no fear, citizens: TU has just revealed the new and most certainly improved Goldie.
Goldie 3.0 is made of 99% pure clay stock sourced from harm-free quarries, and is 100% biodegradable. No dogs were inbred in the making of this mascot, and she costs less to produce than half a meal at Pat Case. She can still perform all the tasks students have come to expect from their mascot – she can be petted and walked just like Goldies one and two, but it doesn’t stop there. She can do things Goldies mark I and II could never have dreamt of, like sit in your pocket, fit in the palm of your hand or weigh down a pesky stack of papers. Goldie mark III is a true revolution in the mascotary sciences, and students are loving it.
Daren Secrest, a sophomore mechanical engineering student, had this to say: “Goldie 3.0 is really a hallmark in structural stability; I mean, I dropped her on the floor and she shattered, [but] with some water and some hope she’s as good as new.” He also noted that her exterior is very receptive to different paints, allowing her to adopt and shed the school’s colors for different events.
The university is also passionate about its new mascot’s more economic nature—TU’s HR department claims her repair costs are far lower than that of the previous models.’ The innovation doesn’t stop there though; Goldie 3.0 is purportedly the nation’s first “multi-platform” mascot: with one kit found in the Spirit Shop, any student or family member can build their own Goldie 3.0, fostering a sense of community and school spirit.
Goldie mark III Photo by Nicki Mister
TU’s Computer Science department is especially proud of Goldie’s AI integration—they’ve reserved the domain goldiesays.net, where students can connect with an AI recreation of Goldie and ask for advice, find out about the latest campus news, or just chat with man’s best friend (goldiesays.net is a predictive text model, the University of Tulsa is not liable for the content of any advice or instructions given)!
Other students favorably compared the new Goldie to the University of Oklahoma’s new 3-D printed iterations of mascots Boomer and Sooner. “There’s something really inhumane about plastic, you know? It lacks that human touch,” explained one student, who will remain anonymous, adding: “I like that we’re paying tribute to the soil from whence we came, and to which we inevitably must return,” all before crossing himself, pulling a ski mask over his head, and carrying a live pig and a ritual dagger into Harwell Hall.
In other news, Goldie mark III’s tail is currently missing, and TU’s HR department is willing to compensate any student who locates it with a 10% off coupon at Sushi Blu (only applicable during weekends).
Attempts to reach Boston Dynamics (manufacturer of Goldies mark I and II) for comment were unsuccessful.
