Aries (March 20-April 19th): I can’t lie, this week is gonna be rough. Your chakras are all due to lock up at once, and the lack of energy flow will give you something we in the occult field refer to as “the ʔՔփᙟᛘᛗᚣᚦᚺᛍᛌᛋᛔᛨᛞᛦϠꙢᛝᛰꚖꙜs.” It’s kind of like the bends, but worse and in 12 dimensions.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): WHAT did you do?!? Your fate randomly became insanely hard to read last night. I’ve been smoking opium in my study, digging through horse bones for like 15 hours and I’ve got NOTHING; it’s like the Universe deleted your existence. We don’t even have a word for how negative your karma is right now; did you fat-shame a seraphim or something???
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): This week, take time to enjoy the cool, crisp autumn air. You’ll miss it when you accidentally get locked inside a filing cabinet in the library basement for 72 hours. And no, just because I foreknow that you’re in there doesn’t mean I can let you out. There’s a whole observer effect thing with fortune telling, probably. Plus it’s kind of out of my way.
Cancer: (June 21st- July 22nd): The psychic study has effectively distinguished two types of people in the world: the ones who radiate a psychic aura of nobility and wisdom and the ones in my differential equations class. Please stop with the math “jokes,” you guys, I’m gonna lose it.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): The stars have unraveled yet another of the mysteries of your life: the guy in the black shirt was NOT staring at you in the gym. He was merely looking around everywhere and happened to make eye contact twice. He is very normal and well adjusted!
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): Thanksgiving Break is only three weeks away for everyone else! Unfortunately, the stars predict that this two of your professors will decide that the first Monday back is an ideal exam date, so for you, Thanksgiving Change-of-Studying-Location is only three weeks away.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): Your conscience weighs on you heavily this week as Saturn reaches its equinox. In all honesty though, that might not be so bad; you probably should have SOME guilt about the quantity of ragebait you’re putting out lately…
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): THERE IS A MAN IN THE HURRICANE FOUNTAIN! In 2015, a finance major walked into the unfinished fountain just before the second half was attached, sealing himself in. The top of the fountain opens from 11:50 and 12:15 every weekday. If you don’t climb on top and pull him out, he will run out of food and water by Friday. You have to save him!!
Sagittarius (November 22nd- December 21st): The Universe (Sodexo’s Patriot Act-loopholed audio surveillance system) has detected an unhealthy thought pattern in you and has benevolently given me (held my family at gunpoint while dictating) this advice for you: affirm, “food poisoning is health, one ounce of chicken is bounty, fasting on weekends is love” in the mirror for 16 uninterrupted hours or until you believe it (or be unpersoned).
Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th): Okay so Mercury is in retrograde, and that means– no, Mercury’s in prograde? Neither? OK fine, I can’t take it any more! I used ChatGPT for all of astrology school; these horoscopes only look very normal and well written. I thought I could do this, could live a lie. Well I can’t. I’m sorry.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): ***Our astrologist has not been seen or heard from since submitting the Capricorn horoscope this week. Pending a wellness check on his dormitory, please refer to Sagittarius for an approximate prophecy. Thank you!***
— The State Run Media, Proud Newspaper of the University of Tulsa
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): ***Our astrologist has not been seen or heard from since submitting the Capricorn horoscope this week. Pending a wellness check on his dormitory, please refer to Taurus for an approximate prophecy. Thank you!***
— The State Run Media, Proud Newspaper of the University of Tulsa
