Aries (March 20-April 19th): Spring break coincides with your constellation’s closest proximity to Jupiter. This will grant you a share of the planet’s attributes during your trip. 64 will be a lucky number, you will feel confident and powerful and you will even obtain a Great Red Spot on your own lower half after a particularly wild night of the break — probably a few of them, really.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): The new moon this Thursday opens a period of rebirth and renewal. Good since you haven’t even started the homework you were assigned over break. We both know you aren’t doing that crap on a Friday, Taurus: lock in!
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): The equinox approaches! This Friday, the perfect equality of day and night balances your own, usually unstable chakras, giving you savant-like abilities as a tightrope walker — but only once, so don’t waste it on something lame. Find the highest, riskiest place to set your rope and make history. Go big or go home, Gemini!
Cancer: (June 21st- July 22nd): Your body is well fed, but your chakras are starving. You are in dire straights. The only food bioavailable enough to the chakras to save you is the gum under the seats on the Tulsa bus system. You have to eat at least 12 pieces and fast. Go, you don’t have much time left!
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Mercury is in retrograde again, damn thing. Hang on, I’m going to try to fix it — ACH my back — oh no. Ah, this is bad… Okay, Leo, if you’re reading this, I’m somewhere between Cancer and Calliope, I need *unintelligible* –or I’m– *unintelligible* –ing out of water soon, *unintelligible*
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): This week, you will have extremely good luck at darts, but not in the way you might expect and not in ways that feel lucky at all. But do not be discouraged: if you don’t castrate that bartender with your terrible throw, his son will grow up to be mecha-Hitler. You are a chosen instrument of good.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): This week, avoid nail clippers, a cucumber, two wet socks and a can of barbrasol. I think you know what I’m referring to, Libra. For your information, just thinking about that is considered a sin against the universe. Don’t sink your karma any lower. Besides, you’ll pull something if you do that.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): Spring break is here, and as a reward for your good karma during the school year, the spirits have granted your liver chakra bulletproof regeneration capabilities. Rally the troops: it’s time for Edward 40-hands to come out of retirement.
Sagittarius (November 22nd- December 21st): The opportunity to escape from your monotonous daily life is finally here! Unfortunately, the stars indicate that you are due a bout of what my oracles can only describe as “pert flu,” which is going to have you laid up for exactly one week starting the Monday of the break.
Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th): Listen, you’re going to go to a bar with a friend. They’re a Virgo. They’re gonna play darts. It’s going to get ugly. I tried to soften the blow with some white lies in their horoscope, but I can’t lie, this will be pretty traumatic. You might want to black out beforehand.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Dude, I can’t tell you how important it is that you don’t clock in at the bar this Friday. I know you need the tips, but you also need YOUR *the editors won’t let me say that* and there’s this Virgo and… well I can’t reveal too much, but just… I’m sorry man. I’m really sorry.
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): I got my magic mirror set to ESPN from the future with Kalshi open on the scrying orb playing balatro on the tea leaves. High as hell, no socks on, barbecue sauce all over, making more money than you’ve ever seen. I’m mogging you from a battle bucket, buddy. Don’t make me show you what I can do with my fly up.
