Aries (March 21-April 19): PSA to all Aries, getting cut off when talking is annoying, for those talking and listening, don’t butt into conversations that you don’t belong in. Nobody wants to hear your most lukewarm, middle of the road, indecisive take on politics, food and fraternity drama, loser.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Gaslighting, who taught you that word Taurus, one of your stupid friends. I don’t know why you even listen to them, they don’t have your best interest in heart like I do. That’s why I need you to come to Oliphant 110 at 5 pm each Tuesday.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Focus on yourself this week Gemini, and by “yourself” I’m obviously talking about the creepy array of stuffed animals sitting on your bed. It’s honestly getting out of hand, you have less bed space to sleep on every day, and this morning you woke up on the floor.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Good luck on your test this Thursday, everyone knows the best time to start studying was yesterday, but the second best is right now. Good thing you wont start until four hours before the exam. Make sure to chug an energy drink so your leg won’t stop bouncing and annoys the person next to you, should help the curve.
Leo (July 23-August 22): Physical media is in, all Leo’s must migrate to the library and check out a solid book on something that interests you. Grab a coffee if you need to reward yourself, tuck in, hide under a blanket, get some reading in.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Quit utilizing the Starbucks mobile app and talk to somebody face to face. Being parasocial on Twitter is not how you communicate in the real world, you can’t retweet and like your three hour long lectures, so start taking notes. Learn and grow Virgo.
Libra (September 23-October 22): Manifesting isn’t real but keeping a real stack of community chest cards on your person and drawing them at random when anything inconvenients you. You have won second prize in a beauty contest, collect $10.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Working hard or hardly working Scorpio, for some it is the former, but most it is the latter. Do something this week, and the bare necessities like showering and brushing your teeth don’t count. Also, go grab your textbooks, it’s been two weeks, and you are actually starting to need them.
Sagittarius (November 22- December 21): No more fast food for you Sagittarius, time to start the meal prep grind that you have been promising everyone around you for months. Acquire a telescope and look at the stars tonight, you must find both Big Dipper and the Sagittarius constellation.
Capricorn (December 22- January 19): Capricorn, answer the phone, we’ve been trying to reach you concerning your vehicle’s extended warranty. The car was wrecked in 2019, no matter, expect another call this time tomorrow. Also, it’s probably time to register to vote, you are twenty-one, the government considers you an adult at least.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): To all the Aqarius’s, reach out to your sister, it’s been too long and they are starting to resent you. Go outside today, fall is coming and the weather is beautiful, maybe a bike ride is the reset you need before this long week ahead.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Pisces, you might think you are not like the other signs, but in reality you are the most basic of them all. All you do is cry all the time and blame everyone around you except for yourself, take up a hobby and finish your homework.
