You downloaded the app as a joke, but now it’s quickly taken over your life.
Have you or a loved one been pointing at random empty pockets of space because you think it’s a floating text box? Have you been overcome by subtle hand movements that you like to call dancing? If you are or have ever talked to yourself, even worse, a mirror, then I am very sorry to have to tell you, but you’re a TikToker now.
It’s time to accept the fact that Vine is dead, because TikTok has taken Gen Z by storm and won’t ever release them from its iron fist. Say goodbye to those Vine compilations on YouTube because you’re going to be facing something even better now … something created by you with your deep fried editing and lip synced conversations with yourself.
“Download this app,” your friend persuaded you. “It’ll be fun! Look at all of these cool videos.”
You looked at the videos, maybe even chuckled slightly. “Ha, they’re clever, I guess,” you whispered to yourself as your thumb flicked upwards once again. Just one more … just one more to see what the whole fuss is about. But do you get it? Maybe not, but maybe you should just watch some more. You slide your thumb up again, not even realizing that you’re slipping into an endless loop, a mindless cycle of blank stares and intermittent laughter.
Ah, but what if you tried one out yourself? It couldn’t be that hard. You understand the movements … no, they’re dances. Lip syncing is easy, and you can totally think up some clever text boxes. And what about that trend where you try to make shoes out of anything? The trend where whoever the face tracker lands on must go through with a dare?
There has never been a challenge that you haven’t accepted, not since kindergarten and Becky K. dared you to go kiss the kid with chicken pox. You must accept them all.
You’re a TikToker now.
Now that you’ve realized who you are, accepted the person that you have become, the first step is to always dress the part. Head to your closest Walmart and purchase all of the scrunchies. Hit up your local Spencers and buy as much eboy jewelry as your earlobes can hold. Steal sharpies from your friends and pen fake logos on ripoff Hydroflasks. You always have to dress to impress.
Don’t forget your reusable straw. We all want to save the turtles here. Any time you pull it out of the case, strive for that satisfying snap, the only sound that can so smoothly combine with your snickering sksksk.
You must film every interaction that you have in your day-to-day routine. You never know what might make you famous. Storytimes are always appreciated, but don’t fake one. We’re all on to you.
All storytimes must be performed in front of LED lights, color options up to you. The same rule applies with dancing. The ambience of the LED lights with the endless list of challenges you will complete mix so nicely to prepare the most entertaining atmosphere to gain those followers.
Not every TikToker will make it, but your videos could end up on a second-hand social media site as a repost. And if that doesn’t work, how about this: have you ever considered hand modeling after how much you show your hands doing work in videos?