TU: Green Machine

In a stunning press conference taking place on Oct. 5 by The University of Tulsa, President Brad Carson announced major changes to the day-to-day operations of TU in a daring bid to decrease energy use and become a net-zero campus. With the program starting in Spring 2025, The University of Tulsa will begin removing overhead lights and the new large TVs in lecture halls that were installed in the last year. Next, old-school whiteboards, desks, printers and computers will be sold at auction, with the revenue going towards a set of full-size wind turbines that will be placed on Skelly Field, Harwell Field and Hurricane Track, citing a stunning loss against Arkansas State and Army as the pressure to ensure that the athletic training fields be put to good use.

When asked about the research for the removal of lights and how it might affect the learning ability of students, President Carson presented the findings of a special research council. The council was given 10 classes of Accounting and Computer Science students to use as test subjects, over a semester they were subjected to differing conditions such as no lights in the rooms, slowly removing chairs and tables and in a final test, the professor was instructed to not even show up for a week. What was found would shock reporters and board members alike. When lights were turned off, only one student even looked up from their laptop to see what the matter was, with many falling asleep instantly. When the time came to test the removal of seating and table space, students were recorded celebrating the lack of space and leaving the classroom, with phrases such as “Sick, I’m going back to bed” and “I hate this class anyway.” The most extraordinary findings occurred when the professor was withheld from class, it was observed in a class of 46 students that 9 of those students checked their emails and when they failed to find any communication from the professor, proceeded to get on Instagram. The other 37 students entered the class 10-15 minutes late, turned around instantly, and left almost as quickly as they arrived. In attendance of the conference was a block of 3 tenured professors, who, when asked about the statement all three of them “didn’t give a shit” and “just want to do research without being bothered by stupid students.”

Many in attendance of the conference asked the question, what will happen with the students athletics that had their practice fields replaced. Almost like he had practiced for this exact scenario, President Carson had a gleam in his eye as he flipped to the next slide in his presentation. On the board showed an order form of 150 “exercise” machines to the tune of $1.1 million from a company called lifesizehamsterwheels.com. It all made sense, this is how the University of Tulsa would achieve a neutral energy footprint, it would require the constant attention of 150 athletes. But this is a small price to pay, as every sport but women’s basketball, and sometimes men’s soccer would be stuck in the human sized hamster wheels, running to produce electricity for campus.

Post Author: Grant Doolin