Judges split between Saddam Hussein and classmate with stuffed nose.
After a hotly contested competition, the judges of the Worst Person of the 21st Century contest decided that their final two contestants were too close to pick between Saddam Hussein and the kid in the back of the class with a stuffed nose. “I mean, obviously, Saddam Hussein is a horrific person who committed many atrocities, but when you consider the constant aggravation of that one guy who won’t stop sniffling, well…” said one judge, shrugging slightly.
Sources in class with the student have confirmed that this guy has been doing it for years. “I don’t know how he’s still alive, really,” said one student who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean it sounds like he’s suffocating from all that congestion.” Another said that on occasion the snotty student would laugh, only to realize he’d run out of air and burst into a coughing fit before finally returning to wheezing. “And yeah, he’s never blown his nose,” another student said. “All he does is just suck in occasionally. I’ve tried to tell him that only makes it worse, but I’m not sure if he can even hear anymore.”
All in all, it was a good century for students at The University of Tulsa, with three placing in the top 10: the stuffed nose kid, that guy on the scooter that passes you by only an inch and the teacher who only put in a grade because it was midterm week and they had to. All three placed 1st, 4th, and 9th, respectively. “Yeah, I was really shocked to see me stopped right outside of the podium,” the scooter athlete said. “I’ll make sure next century to just start hitting people straight up, rolling them over. I think that could propel me into contention.” The teacher refused to answer The Collegian’s questions, only saying that he “would get to the email when [he] can.” Another honorable mention from Tulsa includes whoever designed the highway on and off ramps to all be very sharp circles that have to be taken at a snail’s pace so as to not drive off the edge.
Rumor has it that The University of Tulsa is planning a parade in the stuffed-nose student’s honor, with early reports stating that the total budget for all the planned festivities could end up being $101 million. President Rick Dickson and other top TU officials refused to comment on how exactly this budget would be funded. In the meantime, a statue is currently being planned to be placed in the middle of the Old U. The statue will be made from all the tissue boxes the student never used, and will depict him in his brightest moment: loudly sniffing the snot all the way into the back of his throat.
In related news, a new student organization was formed: Students Never Encouraging Egregious Zicam Evadement, otherwise known as SNEEZE. “There is no doubt that Tulsa, the region, and the whole world would be better off without people who refuse to clear their congestion,” said the new president of SNEEZE, Tonya Blaire. When asked what the organization’s objectives were, Blaire replied that it was the immediate usage of Zicam, or a different decongestant, by the student and others who also refused to blow their noses properly. “They are harboring weapons of mass congestion, and it is necessary for us to go in and remove that congestion, by any means necessary.” When asked if any attempt had been made to talk to the student, Blaire waved her hand dismissively. “We do not negotiate with congested people,” she said and stormed off.
As SNEEZE plans to organize a mass protest, a source close to the stuffed-up student told The Collegian that he hadn’t actually realized he was so congested. “I guess he wasn’t paying too much attention. He said he’s gonna go get some decongestants and blow it all out soon,” the source said. At the very least, he will have to hold off until Saturday, when the judges are planning an elaborate award ceremony featuring a gigantic trophy in the shape of the middle finger to honor the student. “We thought about typical bribe money or maybe installing him as the quasi-dictator of an influential world power, but we decided that was too cliche,” one judge said. “So many terrible people already have those. But we agreed that nothing says you’re a horrible person quite like being given the bird.” And with that, everyone who has ever had a stuffed-up classmate behind them whole-heartedly agrees.
