Aries (March 20-April 19th): The stars foresee deception: do not trust the 60° weather you feel at 8 AM, it capitulates a 90° cross-campus trek in jeans, a flannel and a sweater. Be patient, Aries: the weather of hard fits will come in due time.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): not much happening this week tbh
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): You are in your healing energy this week, and not checking midterm grades on Harvey probably counts as protecting your peace. A little ignorance isn’t the end of the world, so start losing sleep over grades after you catch up on it from studying.
Cancer: (June 21st- July 22nd): In addition to the world’s greatest astrologer, I am also Pat Case’s strongest supporter. Your complaints against the Patricia are slanderous and uncalled for! From here on out, it’s negative karma whenever you’re an ingrate about our great cafeteria because your widdle pickwed onions weren’t pewfect. Dingus.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Reading your fortune as we speak, the stars are saying some craaazy stuff this week. It’s almost funnier if you don’t know about it though — OH MAN!! That is a WILD omen, you are COOKED. Uh, anyways, yeah, it’s like, beyond your ken or something. Oh, no way…
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): The stars, from their perches in the night sky, see all. This means that they have a pretty good idea of a normal college population, and apparently we have a weirdly high number of guys-in-hats. Hard to say if that’s good or bad, but TU definitely has a larger-than-average population of instantly identifiable characters.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): The astral forces (your parents) that control your manifestation flow (things they will pay for at Costco during their homecoming visit) are bolstered by an organized mindset (clean dorm or apartment). TL;DR pick up your socks or you are not getting that 36 pack of Dr. Pepper.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): The Scorpio babies, great babies, beautiful babies, but frankly some of them, not so much. They’re taking over the month of birth, taking birth from hardworking Sagittarius babies. It’s true, many constellations are saying this. We love the Sagittariuses, and now they’re not going to be born for another month, and the Libra media’s trying to cover it up. SAD.
Sagittarius (November 22nd- December 21st): How did midterms go for you, Sagittarius? Did they go good? Great! DO NOT TELL ME ABOUT IT! I want to live in a world where no one I know of scored better than me; if you did worse than me and need a listening (albeit unsympathetic) ear, my door is open. If you did better, please don’t let me know you exist.
Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th): While it is homecoming week, I believe the first part of your statement: “I wasn’t going to drink tonight, but…” was very much a lie. Become more honest; alcohol can only harm you if you drink it with impure intentions.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): This week, you will attend the homecoming bonfire after a particularly heinous Gus-T’s pasta bowl for both lunch AND dinner, and due to a series of shoving crowd members, you are fated to stumble near to and downwind of the fire, then accidentally do a world record blue angel which is photographed and posted to the TU Instagram. Sorry!
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): The stars map out your soul across time. Every microcosm of your being can be divined from their study, and frankly, I’m a little pissed off. If you think my hair looks chopped from the back, can you TELL me next time? That’s it: 400 reincarnations as a water moccasin for snake behavior.
