Brad Carson the mastermind of plot to ruin the University of Tulsa.
Last week, it was reported that $130 million was stolen from the operating budget of the University of Tulsa. Nobody knew how or why it was stolen, not to mention who stole it. But after a long investigation it has been revealed that Brad Carson, former president of the University of Tulsa, personally engineered this robbery.
Naturally, when the $130 million was lost massive fears were sparked all across campus as to what would happen. Many students and even senior faculty expressed grave concerns. “First my dorm keys, now this,” said Jack Wesly, a sophomore in mechanical engineering. “I was scared they were gonna come for my dynamics project after that. Not sure how I could have carried on if I had to redo that.”
President Leeds even had to make an official confirmation that it was a robbery, and not merely lost, in order to quell fears. “There is currently an investigation being undertaken by the same highly trained SWAT team that protects Harwell Field from non-athletes attempting to trespass on its sacred soil. Trust me, they will get the job done.” And so they have.
At exactly 3 p.m. on Thursday, September 10, a surveillance drone the SWAT team had on hand spotted an odd convoy moving steadily west, made up of about 20 Starship delivery robots. Inside were the remains of a Starbucks cup that had fallen over — and, spread out among the 20 robots, $130 million in cash.
But who were the robots carrying this money to? Considering the trajectory of the robots, which were heading in a straight line to Washington, D.C., and the sticky note taped onto the robot in front which said “Escort to Americans for Responsible Innovation (ARI),” only one possible suspect remains: Brad Carson, who now serves as president of ARI. The advocacy group is supposed to help establish responsible guardrails for the use of artificial intelligence, but it seems like a knowledge of the inner workings of AI only helped Brad Carson to reprogram the Starship delivery robots to be his personal servants on campus.
Now the explanation for their rude behavior becomes clear — every time one of the Starship robots ran into a person, or delayed someone actually standing in line from getting their order, it was Brad Carson personally taking out his anger and grief over not leading the University of Tulsa anymore. But when the Starship robots had to leave campus because one robot bucked a student who attempted to ride it, Brad Carson decided that it was time to go big or go home. He directed the robots to enter the safe where the University of Tulsa keeps all of its endowment money, alongside all other funds (for the curious, the safe resides in the secret basement below McFarlin Library). There, the robots were able to enter in the code he remembered from his days as president. Apparently, the password (1948) had not changed at all.
Although the stress many students and faculty endured during this trying time was considerable, the good news is that the money was returned and Brad Carson will be put to trial for its misplacement, which could have ruined the university with insane amounts of debt. Fortunately for all current and future members of the University of Tulsa, President Leeds has promised new security features which will ensure the protection of university funds from here on out. From now on, all can rest easy knowing that never again will TU have to fear mass layoffs or program changes as a result of mismanaged funds.
