38% of Tulsa residents to be forcefully ejected into neighboring cities ahead of Supreme Court Justice visit.
Ahead of Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor’s visit to the University of Tulsa on September 16, the city of Tulsa is enacting drastic measures to ensure that the visit goes off without a hitch. Previously, the plan was just to close the Lorton Performance Center (LPC), where she would be speaking, in order to prevent the procession from being overtaken by what city officials referred to as “high-order hooligans.” However, none of the representatives spoken to were able to give more specific examples of these alleged “hooligans” aside from the information that they are real and they will be doing everything in their power to disrupt this highly exclusive event.
However, in response to an uptick of protests over Sotomayor’s visit, city officials have determined that protecting just the LPC, or even just the University of Tulsa, is not enough. They announced to the Tulsa official Discord that in anticipation of the visit on the 16th, all Tulsa residents deemed “hooligan or hooligan-adjacent” will be ejected into the nearest neighboring city. Tulsa officials will be monitoring activity on all social media platforms to determine the location of these troublesome Tulsans and see that they cannot cause any disruptions to the event. The ejection is set to take place on Sept. 15 and will happen in stages starting at the center of the city and working out to the edge. Any citizens who believe their behavior may qualify them as a hooligan are encouraged to voluntarily remove themselves from the area.
Since this announcement, further outrage has been sparked regarding Sotomayor’s visit. One citizen, whom we could only identify as The Chicken Woman, said, “I just want to see Sonia Sotomayor. I want to bring my chickens in so they can see her. This is discrimination.” When asked why she wanted to bring her chickens to see Sotomayor, The Chicken Woman declined to answer. “Their names are Allison, Craig and Mathilde,” she instead stated. Other Tulsans rejected the idea of Sotomayor’s visit entirely, such as Tulsa county resident Vicky Lagoon. “I have no trust for anyone whose first name and last name start with the same letter,” Lagoon asserted. She had no comment on Sotomayor’s political beliefs, but also clarified that she “also thinks people over the age of 70 are scary,” though as with her previous claim, she had no justification for this feeling.
Of all the controversies following the city’s announcement, however, nothing has caused more controversy than the method of ejection chosen. According to city officials, it was difficult to find a method that was nondisruptive but efficient, although they are confident that no better option could have been made. After extensive research and without consulting any nearby local governments, it was decided that all hooligans will be ejected from the city via tornadoes that will “launch them up and right over the city limit.” This method, due to its imprecision, is likely to target the houses of the accused rather than just the people themselves, so it will be “like 100,000 Wizard of Oz houses at once.” This particular quote angered several homeowning Tulsans who were quick to comment on the many potential problems with the city’s plan. “This is entirely wrong, doing it like The Wonderful Wizard of Oz,” said one homeowner who asked to be called She Who Would Not Surrender. “That book is a Kansas thing, so we do not need its methods. We need something uniquely Oklahoma as a method.” Surrender clarified that — while not a hooligan — she may also be affected because her son is deeply ingrained in Tulsa’s underground Air Horn Disruption Society, a group that has been indiscriminately marked for expulsion by the city of Tulsa. Other homeowners took issue with the use of tornadoes as a method due to Tornado Alley shifting east. According to some, tornadoes are no longer a cultural touchstone of Tulsa, and “we should just use hurricanes instead.”
Despite much protest from hooligans, hooligan-adjacents and hooligan apologists, the ejection is predicted to take place regardless, sending the homes of roughly 38% of Tulsa residents into neighboring areas. Thanks to proper planning on the city’s end, the homes will be under no threat of damage, as their falls will be broken by buildings in those other locations. We were unable to secure any comment on the plan from neighboring local governments, as they are not being notified about the particulars of the ejection until the day of. However, The Collegian is still able to report on it because, according to one city representative, “they will not read it.” We also attempted to contact Sotomayor herself for any comment on the protective measures taken by the city of Tulsa, but were not able to reach her in time.
Overall, the city of Tulsa is commended for its dedication to the protection of Sotomayor in anticipation for her momentous visit, as well as for its humane methods of removing anyone it deems threatening to her. Though there have been several protests from concerned or upset citizens, it is safe to say that most of these citizens are probably just upset over being called out on being hooligans. And to those like Surrender, who are being ejected because someone they know has been marked as a hooligan (something also apparently affecting all of the university’s sororities and fraternities), city representatives provided this final message: “Find better friends.”
