Aries: The sun is in retrograde. This is not so much an astrological omen as it is a real world physics problem. Basically, we have around twenty four hours before the solar system implodes and the Earth is hurled into the center of a massive planetary collision. TL;DR you no longer need to worry about finding an apartment!
Taurus: I see warnings in the stars that Croatia will be experiencing terrible famine by the autumnal equinox, a truly dire prediction. What does this have to do with me, you ask? Well maybe not everything’s about you, Taurus, how about that? There are Croatians starving, and all you care about is your horoscope.
Gemini: https://chatgpt.com Log In Sign Up
Sure, I can write you a funny, 45 to 55 word, Gemini horoscope for a school newspaper! Before we begin, are there any upcoming school events that you would like me to include?
Cancer: This week, a tall stranger who will sweep you off your feet when an ACAC employee gets distracted listening to Era Vulgaris on his 2006 iPod and forgets to look before a particularly aggressive pass of his pushbroom. Great album, though, kinda hard to blame him.
Leo: Light pollution strains your soul’s connection to the stars, resulting in side effects like manifesting fatigue, low chakra circulation, and gynecomastia. You need to get closer to the stars to strengthen the connection, and lucky for you, it’s ‘nader season. Next funnel cloud you see, run towards it – you’ll thank me when you hit 3,000 feet!
Virgo: If I told you the stars foretold your death next week, would there be anything you wanted to get off your chest? Anything you’d admit, perhaps to a certain satire writer? For instance, that there’s a secret group chat where you make fun of him or something? Or would he be paranoid to think that. Hypothetically.
Libra: The government wants to study me for my astral powers, they’re gonna MK-Ultra my ass if I don’t throw them off the trail somehow. That’s where you come in; I need you to report me missing to the police so I can stay here, like the guy with the jawline in SPAN-2013 telenovela. Don’t worry, lying to police is good karma.
Scorpio: The stars predict an auspicious midterm, the concepts will be effortless, the calculations without flaw. Tragically, your dogwater handwriting causes your professor to mistake your name on the paper for that of the girl who always asks unrelated questions to suck up to the professor. She will get your grade (97%) and you will receive a zero for missing work.
Sagittarius: So, you want the spirits to give you housing. I’ll be blunt, you’re gonna have to sacrifice a virgin for the apartment ritual, and everyone above you on the waiting list will probably definitely die. But it’s this or living in the secret cockroach dungeon of Fischer West, so we both know you aren’t growing a conscience now.
Capricorn: As Orion completes his yearly arc across the firmament night sky, sinking beneath the rim curvature of the earth, and the sun’s orbit shifts days get longer because of the reason NASA says, your productivity chakras lower their demand, freeing up energy to enjoy yourself just in time for summer!
Aquarius: If a Sagittarius asks you if you’re a virgin this week, don’t take offense! They’re not being creepy or misogynistic at all, though it is very important that you say no. Otherwise, they’ll probably try to sacrifice you in a Faustian exchange for a spot in Brown next semester. But NOT because they’re a prude!!
Pisces: Hands-on learning benefits you this week – Examine new study methods. Learn by doing, and remember that Pisces tend to fare better than they expect before the vernal equinox. Make the most of this semester, pisces, after all, it’s almost over. Early birds get the worm!
