We saved TU nearly $20 on frivolities like ink and wages” touts Musk in an otherwise unintelligible X post
The Department Of Government Efficiency, a Trump administration budget slashing effort headed by world’s wealthiest man and owner of the nation’s most embarrassing hat collection Elon Musk, has been ramping up its quest to remove unnecessary spending. Tens of thousands of government employees have been fired, entire organizations like USAID have gone dark, and now The Collegian, too, is suffering under the Tesla giant. Unfortunately, this means that I cannot complete this article.
The State-Run Media, satire section of the University of Tulsa’s school newspaper, has long evaded suspicion through its seemingly pro-regime name, however Musk’s uncanny inability to grasp the concept of irony only held the dogs off for so long. The Collegian eventually attracted the attention of DOGE task force leader Weevil Scrooge when editor-in-chief Alexander Soeder left the lights on overnight, costing the University of Tulsa and thereby a portion of its federal grants a whopping 7.3 cents. When Scrooge looked into the case further, he discovered that the school was paying for three Microsoft Teams accounts which were not in use; there is nothing DOGE hates more than an unused Microsoft Teams account. 
Scrooge quickly contacted Musk, who read several of our articles before requesting that President Trump “gimme! Gimme! I want it, give it to me now!!” The Commander-in-Chief then signed an executive order giving full control of the Collegian’s budget to DOGE, which Scrooge promptly took advantage of. After seeing that the paper almost had enough money to print for all of last semester, Scrooge chose to cut the satire section. “Satire is a waste of money,” Scrooge explained in his memo, “laughter should be beaten out of a student by junior high, not encouraged with taxpayer dollars.” As such, every last cent of the State-Run Media’s budget has been withdrawn. Fortunately, a budget of zero dollars is all we need to continue with the same payment schedule we were being compensated with before the cut. Unfortunately, this is our last ink cartridge, and they cost like $40. Grant said he’s going to try to sneak one from the library for next week, but if we don’t see you next week, just know that Collegian w l rki g h ight thi t s p mo
