Aries (March 21st-April 19th): No, I cannot come to your Halloween party! I have to burn 4,000 effigies of Andrew Jackson on the New U to keep the ghosts of the Indian Removal Act victims from razing the city; you know, just like every other year you’ve asked. But yeah, enjoy bobbing for apples, no need to help or anything.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): This week, look out for the color green. Not stuff that is green, but like, the color itself, as the idea it occupies in the collective consciousness. What do you mean, “What does that even look like?” It looks green, dingus.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): The time of All Hallow’s Eve is upon us. The bad news: you get haunted really bad this month. Like, Paranormal Activity bad. The good news: all the strange noises, rotting smells, the thermostat changing by itself and ectoplasm deposits are indistinguishable from your residence in Fisher Suites’ regular behavior, so you don’t even notice.
Cancer (June 21st- July 22nd): This week, you will have a completely irresistible urge to break into Dr. Heng-Ming Tai’s office and destroy all of the ungraded Signals and Linear Systems exams. No, trust me, you feel it, it’s just fate. All you can do now is follow through. Like, as soon as possible please.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Invest in a green morphsuit. Just trust me on this one.
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): The sheer quantity of turkeys being killed for the sake of Pat Case’s traditional brunch of turkey sausage and turkey bacon across from a simple serving meal of turkey breast and turkey meatballs are reaching a karmic boiling point. For your own reincarnation safety, I recommend sticking to Subway for a few weeks.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): I can see in the stars the results of next week’s election. Unfortunately, I can see in the eyes of our faculty advisor that if I tell you it’s going to get us in trouble, so I’ll give you a hint: the (write in) winner of the Oklahoman gubernatorial election will rhyme with “MACAC Mill”
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): This Thursday, at 5:37 p.m., the most intelligent human being on the planet earth will make himself known upon the library steps. This will be a sign unto you: there will be a scalp, wrapped in a ridiculous combover and lying in a bed of unshorn surrounding hair.
Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): As Orion reaches its peak, your chakras align for the spirit of the hunt. Take advantage of the side effect of positive canthal tilt while you can, and begin looksmaxxing ASAP. This is your one shot to ascend, Sagittarius — do not let it go. Mom’s spaghetti.
Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): Remember, nothing at a frat party is spoookier than an STD! This Halloweekend, the coolest costume is the one you wear on your little ghoul! Stay safe, Hurricanes!
This message brought to you by the Hurricane Health Center*
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): I’m getting a strong reading from Pleiades that a certain someone is about to be blessed with a baby girl!! Don’t feel pregnant? I didn’t say you were — what’s that behind your ear, Aquarius?
Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): Your downstairs neighbor will not stop playing the saxophone this week. He will not stop playing the saxophone next week. Your downstairs neighbor is a wild, insatiable stallion drinking from the ice-cold river of The Lord of The Rings Soundtrack Transcribed for Saxophone, 2012 Edition, and buddy, you’re not gonna break him with a few house calls.
*not really.
