Campus police has issued an official warning to the TU student population after detaining Junior Luka Nikolaev for attempting to throw himself in front of a university golf cart early Wednesday morning.
“We were just a couple feet from this kid when he jumps in front of us.” said Debra Jennings, the cart driver. “I slammed on the brakes and managed only to tap him, but he fell over anyway and started throwing a fit, cursing and yelling about his leg being broken.”
Nikolaev was not injured in the incident.
“This is the second time Mr. Nikolaev has stepped in front of a cart. At first, we believed him when he said it was an accident, but that excuse just didn’t hold up this time around.” said a campus police officer. “He’s now being held until proper charges can be filed against him and so that he does not attempt this again. We would like to warn all students that this type of behavior will not be tolerated.”
Nikolaev could not be reached directly for comment, as he is being held in a secret prison cell in the tower of McFarlin Library, but we were able to bribe the jailer to sneak out some covert messages from him so that he may tell his story.
Nikolaev writes the following in regards to his motive:
“It all started when every single one of my internship applications for this past summer were rejected. I’m a business major, so in an effort to add an impressive bullet point to my resume, something to make those companies more interested in me, I invested in this natural plant-based supplements company that one of my buddies told me about. At the time, I thought the business model was ingenious, building off of an ever expanding base of salesmen to deliver exponential profits upwards. I got really into it, but next thing I know, it all tanked and I was left broke. I had no idea how I was going to pay for my next semester here. Then I heard that if you get run over by a university golf cart, TU will give you a full ride so you don’t sue them.”
Sources cannot substantiate this claim.
“I was a desperate man, so I tried it. Twice. Now here I am, writing secret letters in this tall tower and I don’t know if I’ll ever get out. Tell David that I love him.”
We don’t know who David is, but Luka sends his love.
Campo has notified those driving around campus in golf carts to be on the lookout for people trying to cash in on this rumor. There is yet no word on when or if Nikolaev will ever be released.
