Career advice for a doomed generation

We have what, maybe 30 years left? Your career decisions are obviously very important.

Climate change, nuclear warfare and other apocalyptic what-not makes chances of future survival rather slim. But we are all going to be on the lookout for jobs pretty soon regardless, so here are some tips to help!

1. Embrace the futility – What was the best thing that was going to happen anyway? You would get a job out there somewhere, gain a few promotions, build your 401k and retire to a big empty house. Then die and be claimed by the void! I mean we all die at some point, either as corporate drones or as wasteland scavengers, so there was no winning anyway. Chalk up another one to the void!

2. Apply for a practical occupation – When the apocalypse comes around, it would grant you an extra few years of survival if you became a plumber or a car mechanic. If you want to go the plumber route and be a post-apocalyptic Mario, then I suggest this profession. Or you could go the Mad Max route and be a car mechanic. Of course, we are going to run out of oil in less than 50 years, but at least it would look cool.

3. Don’t apply for a job, play Fallout™ – Business … never changes. Those who are most prepared for the future will succeed in tomorrow’s world. So, drop the business major, cut the communications classes and forget your internships. Break out your preferred gaming system and practice exploring the wastelands of your favorite American city. Practice with your Pipboys and get ready your las rifles!

4. Avoid Coffee shops – This one is a real big-brain strategy for the job market in an uninhabitable earth. If people no longer are getting big-wig corporate jobs and are instead becoming plumbers and mechanics, then no one will buy $7 coffee every morning on their way to work. Secondly, everyone will drop out of college to pursue more practical, cost-efficient ways of life, so those 10-hours coffee shop study sessions will be eliminated as well. Whatever you do, DO NOT get into coffee.

5. Get into the alcohol industry – This one is pretty self-explanatory. Set up shop somewhere nice and post-WWI looking and fuel the manic partying as every post-WWI Ernest Hemingway and F. Scott Fitzgerald character comes to life! I know this is getting really dark really fast, but at least there will be romance in the apocalypse.

6. Apply for jobs in Alabama and D.C. – Nothing in life is certain but death, taxes and Alabama making it to the college football championships. The death part is already guaranteed given the circumstances, so after the upcoming ecological/economic/nuclear apocalypse, go to one of these two places. These two shrines to America will be around forever.

7. Apply for your dream job – Whether you get it or not, you can always chuckle and tell yourself it’s not the end of the world. Life is short, and maybe when it comes to making career choices that will affect the rest of our lives, we should live like there is no tomorrow. So, follow your dreams, kids! Regardless of your chances of them panning out, and regardless of the stability of the future, chase your dreams to the ends of the earth.

Post Author: Brennen Gray