And I have found that I am better than you. I know that this sounds cliche but now that I’m…
Hurricane Spotlight: the guy who loudly plays his music on the way to class
Who is this unknowable figure? Why does he inflict outdated Eminem upon the innocent? The ripples of the pandemic still…
Horoscopes
Horoscopes from The Collegian! Aquarius — This week, you will be struck with acute wanderlust—you’re traveling, Aquarius! Your journeys will…
TU’s Starfish system authorizes professors to reward student success with sweet little kisses
The Starfish interface hopes to facilitate student success with the sweetest, warmest, kindest brush of the lips. TU’s recently established…
Origin of TU’s horse torment nexus revealed by student sleuth
Students may never recover from the fleshy paste strewn upon campus, the creatures’ cries with no godly business in the…
Traps places around campus to lure the Omnicron variant
With no other avenues to follow, the COVID-19 mitigation efforts of TU are trying any half-sensible idea. As the Omicron…
Goldie II used as bait for campus scavanger hunt
I suppose you have to take drastic measures to get any kind of student turnout for campus activities. With the…
Only a gun can stop Jake Gyllenhaal
I used to believe in gun control. Then Jake Gyllenhaal didn’t visit Taylor Swift on her birthday. This has been…
Ethical landlord dots the ‘i’s in his eviction notices with little hearts
Free will? You get that for free? My landlord charges, like, $80 for not following the Oracle of Delphi. Liberals…
No, no, you misunderstand. I committed tax fraud as a joke.
I don’t know why everyone is making such a big deal out of this. It was sarcastic. Jesus, nobody knows…