Aries (March 20-April 19th): As an astrologer, I listen to the stars. So if one blue, six-pointed star in particular is offering me egregious sums of money to use my horoscope platform for pro-genocide propaganda, is it even really that bad to accept? I mean, from where I’m standing (a 950,000 square-foot vacation home in Tel Aviv), that’s textbook journalistic integrity…
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): The reels are calling, Taurus; you can’t ignore them forever. Think of the recipes. The new slang drops. The clips of Slavic men dying doing stunts you’ve never heard of in ways you can’t pronounce. Sure, you’re productive now, but… at what cost?
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): I don’t really know how to tell you this, but… Geminis aren’t… Well, real. I made them up. Look, I’m sorry, but what did you want me to tell you? That your personality is totally your fault and you’ll never have an accurate fortune?? Thinking fate cared about you made you so happy — I just didn’t have the heart to tell you. I’m sorry.
Cancer: (June 21st- July 22nd) It’s up to you whether the moon is half full or half empty; manifest positivity. Flunking? Now you don’t have to stress about a 4.0! Post-Gus-T’s diarrhea? At least you’re not bloated at all! School astrologist sold 300 years of your afterlife to a time demon to make his rice cook faster? Turn that frown upside-down!
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): I just realized that the stars I see at night are technically the stars of several hundred years ago. Almost makes you wonder if the crystal clear prediction of you slipping in a puddle of piss in the Kep bathroom and soaking your shirt in a stranger’s urine right before your exam on Friday is even credible. But it definitely is.
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): This week, your spirit is charged by the proximity of Saturn. Take advantage of this strength to reach a worthily gaseous goal: your Coney’s record must go up. Is it five dogs? Make it ten. Is it seven? Make it twenty. You are unstoppable, and it’s Weenie f****** Wednesday. Let’s go.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): Alas, Libra, it seems that karmic debt is not as simple as we thought. You re-tore your ACL because your second ligament’s donor was one of those people who starts looking at the menu when they hit the front of the line. I wish I could say it gets better, but your new patellar tendon came from a BlackRock exec.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): You were so worried about getting COVID this week you forgot to worry about getting rabies! As a punishment for your insolence, the universe is now sending the diseased possum by McFarlin after you for eternity, immortal snail style. Goodbye poor fool.
Sagittarius (November 22nd- December 21st): It’s not just you, Sagittarius: there are indeed more around campus, and as with increases in raven or feline sightings, this is an omen. And if the celestial spheres do not deceive me, it portents… yes, it is a sign that strangers will start asking to use your phone a lot!
Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th): Real sorry about last week, Capricorns, but in my defense, all I did was warn you. How is it on me that ALL of you forgot people’s names? Anyways, lock in this week because the punishment for strike two is explosive gonorrhea, and it is WAY worse than it sounds.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): So you’re a “water sign?” Like your aura is just soggy all the time? Just going around damp and wet and all, ok man. Yeah no that’s cool man, I mean just like don’t… touch me or anything; I prefer to be like… not like that, thanks.
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): The Universe caught you picking your nose and not washing your hands afterwards — unacceptable. We with the Urges must follow the code to ensure that our Need never hurts innocents. If they catch you digging now, the Order will not bail you out; those who cannot control their dark passengers must be put out of their misery.
