It’s hardly a secret that the coronavirus has seriously hurt any chances of a healthy sex life for single people. The clubs are closed, and the dating pool shrinks every day. Plus, there’s the omnipresent fear of contagion lurking in every corner, stiff and menacing, a mood-killing reaper that effectively destroys any boner. Condoms are hard enough to remember during normal sexual interactions — now there’s a highly contagious virus thrown in the mix?
“Yeah, we totally get it,” began Center for Disease Control spokesman Jared Bolt in an official statement, “it’s seriously a bummer. Usually, it takes me three pumps tops to get me going, but with COVID and everything, I’m lucky if I can hit a bullseye at all.”
Those in committed relationships also seem to struggle with fulfilling their sexual desires. The pandemic has spelled out a complete disaster for any chance of a satisfying pump and squeeze: the damn kids stay home with their online school, stress levels rise due to job layoffs and disdain grows within an isolating environment. In the time of COVID-19, sex is as much of an obstacle as it is a reward.
In the midst of the biggest dry spell, the CDC released tips for COVID-friendly sex. As the virus spreads through liquid droplets in saliva or respiratory fluids, sexual activity is a perfect breeding ground for infection. Alternatives are available to sex, such as video chats, sexting and simple masturbation.
“You are your safest sexual partner,” Bolt reads from a messily folded piece of paper, amusement evident in his tone. “Solo masturbation is the best way to prevent the spread of COVID-19 – and to prove you’re a fucking dweeb.”
In this statement, Bolt lays out the ways to lower chances of exposure:
1. Ask your partner if they have symptoms of COVID-19.
2. Limit kissing or saliva exchange. (“Easy. You think I like doing foreplay?” Bolt laughs.)
3. Using barriers, like walls, can keep the sexual exchange flowing without any face-to-face contact. Also, glory holes are adventurous. The gas-station bathroom experience helps heat up the bedroom.
4. Face coverings can limit the droplets exchanged during sex. Condoms, dental dams, and lubricant may minimize contact with saliva.
5. Don’t stop at face coverings. New research finds that bondage suits are the best personal protection available for sexual interactions.
Of course, the last tip only raised concern from the American public.
“The CDC didn’t realize how vanilla y’all are,” Bolt said in response.
Bondage suits — or “gimp suits” — are tight-fitting garments, usually made of leather or spandex and completely cover the body. The suit is often used in BDSM, and the wearer is called a “gimp,” objectified into a walking sexual toy for their partner’s pleasure. Genitals, breasts and mouths can be found hidden behind a zipper or simply the suit’s material.
The inclusion of gimp suits is not only revolutionary for the BDSM community but also for the regular, pandemic-cockblocked person who craves a fulfilling sexual experience. The suits help with anonymous sex or assuaging any fears of contacting the virus. For families with nosy children, the person in the gimp suit may blend in the shadows or perhaps become a new holiday fable, akin to Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny; however, instead of leaving presents, the man in the gimp suit just fucks your mom.
Could gimp suits be the solution the horny American public needed? It’s hard to say, but the bedroom certainly seems steamier.