Aries (March 21st-April 19th): This week, carry a roll of duct tape in your backpack. You’ll know when and where to use it when the time is right. Trust me on this, you won’t want to be caught unprepared — things will not go well for you. Best of luck.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): An invisible man will block your path when you try to enter Keplinger this week. When you encounter him, immediately turn around and run forward three paces. Turn back towards him, and jump as high as you can. In his culture, this is equivalent to calling his mother a dirty whore. He will run away ashamed, leaving your path clear.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): You are going to order Subway for the 40th time already this semester. Like every other time, it will be disappointing, and you will hold back tears as you choke down the dry, crushed bread and slimy turkey. You will, however, also find a quarter in the sandwich. Lucky you! Don’t spend it all in one place!
Cancer (June 21st-July 22nd): Are you familiar with the tale of the water buffalo? Yeah, me neither. Maybe look it up? Apparently you’ll be living it this week, but the stars won’t tell me anything else. They just keep laughing at me for not knowing what the tale of the water buffalo is. Sorry.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Don’t eat any free popcorn you get offered this week. The stars are warning me of an incredibly sharp piece of kernel getting lodged into your gums around one of your right pre-molars. You’ll have to take an emergency trip to the dentist, so maybe just skip the snack for once.
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): You smiled 17% more last week than the week before. The stars are proud of you. Keep it up, and a very special prize may be in your future. No, it’s not GTA VI. Even the stars aren’t powerful enough to make that happen.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): Be wary, an engineering student will approach you this week asking you to help test their latest invention. No matter how they try to assuage your concerns, do not believe them when they say the “Genocide Laser” is only so named to drive up purchases and has no connection to the device’s use.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): When you order Chick-fil-A on Thursday, you’ll thank the employee for their work, but they will not respond by saying “My Pleasure.” In response, your instinct will be to sob uncontrollably and flood the union. Please don’t. I have a package coming into the mailroom on Friday that I’d rather keep dry.
Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): The new dress code at Collin’s is all your fault. Way to go Sagittarius, you just had to ruin it for the rest of us, didn’t you? The only way to make up for your sins is to Febreze the entirety of Keplinger. The stars say it will take precisely 259 and a half bottles to finish the job. Better get to work.
Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): “Slime.” That’s all the stars are giving me. Don’t look at me like that, interpreting giant balls of gas from hundreds of lightyears away is MUCH harder than you’d think. If you really think it’s so easy then how about you take a crack at it, wise guy? Yeah, that’s what I thought, punk.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Happy anniversary! If it’s not your anniversary, happy birthday! If it’s not your birthday either, then listen closely: at precisely 0400 hours, a B-52 will land at the Sand Springs Airport. Be there, and look for your next instructions. Best of luck, soldier.
Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): Roaches will swarm from the walls of your dorm this week. I’d recommend moving anything you care about into your car. I’ll let you know next week if it’s safe to bring your stuff back to your dorm, or if that’s just the roaches’ house now.
