Lawn company hands out free .50Cal rifle with every cleared gutter

Hoping to leave no home clogged or child unarmed, a local Oklahoma lawn care company, Cutting Edge Lawns, has vowed to deliver a free Barrett .50 Caliber rifle to every customer who purchases a gutter cleaning.
“It’s called the second amendment,” said a Cutting Edge spokesperson John Cross. “If you’re not okay with it, you’re a communist, and you can go ahead and step off our American grass.”
They call it their Homeland Care package, which grants the customer’s family one Barrett anti-tank rifle and a box of ammunition per purchase.
“Our owner came up with the idea when he found a child abandoned in his mom’s car in a grocery store parking lot and thought ‘man, if only I had an anti-tank gun that could rip through one of these doors. Then I could do something to help,’ and the rest of us here couldn’t agree more.”
From then on, Cutting Edge Lawns has done everything in their power to put the full fury of excessive military spending in every homeowner’s hands. Recent changes in the political climate have only inspired Cutting Edge to push their idea even further.
“With people thinking it’s okay nowadays to block highways and protest justice, we have decided to add another box of ammunition, but this one is incendiary,” said Cross. “We just encourage protecting the American way.”
The rifles also come in a collection of colors like Cobalt or Rose Gold, and customers are even given the option to personally engrave the barrel, provided they also purchase an added leaf removal service, called Homeland Care Plus. Most all color options are available, but red is forbidden, as it “encourages communist thinking.”
Adam McConnell, a long time Cutting Edge customer, has bought enough Homeland Care Plus services to cover an entire wall in his living room.
“Even if you don’t shoot them, they’re a great home piece,” says McConnell. “I have one in every color, sort of like a freedom rainbow hanging on my wall.”
Being a father of three, McConnell says his kids have friends over all the time, and they love to take the guns down and chase their vegan neighbors with them.
“On top of everything else, they’re a great entertainment piece,” says McConnell. “Cutting Edge really knows what it’s doing here. My grass has never looked so good, my gutters so clean, and my kids so happy.”
This weekend, Cutting Edge is letting new customers try the Homeland Care or Homeland Care Plus packages at almost no cost to them. If the anti-material rifle doesn’t live up to their standards they can return it and get a full refund, only at the cost of having all the leaves and dirt returned to their lawn and gutter.
“It’s a safe way to get a feel for what we do, and for customers to see if having a military grade rifle in their home is really the opportunity for them.”
Cutting Edge’s interview with Collegian journalists was relatively short lived, as the TU team had soon reached their allotted number of interview questions before they were marked communist spies, and were promptly told to “fuck off ‘round yonder.”