New discoveries have pointed to the startling realization that Mars is stealing all of California’s water. Harold Oodmar, local water commissioner and newly minted adventurer from western Oklahoma, announced his findings Tuesday.
It was an interesting coincidence that started Oodmar on his adventure to learn where exactly all the water in California, and beyond, is going.
“I was on Reddit,” Oodmar told State-Run reporters, “and I saw these two headlines: ‘Water found on Mars, again,’ and ‘Still no water in California.’”
The moment of epiphany came, says Oodmar, when he read Ben Foil’s book X Terras. In X Terras Foil, a noted UFOlogist, draws a connection between droughts and UFO sightings. Pointing to records that show UFO sightings consistently rise by 600 percent during long term semi-localized droughts, Foil suggests that the alien propulsion systems do not fare well in humid atmospheres, and that they operate better in drought-stricken areas.
“I made a joke at my book club as we were discussing X Terras that the aliens might actually be causing the drought by taking all the rain with them back to Mars,” says Oodmar, “And then I thought to myself, ‘Oh, God, what if they actually are?’”
So he set off on a quest that would take him all across the globe trying to find answers.
“I immediately booked tickets to Egypt, the Gobi desert, Australia, Brazil, California, western Kansas, west Texas, Antarctica—you know, because it’s supposed to be the biggest desert in the world—and Alberta. I found all the records on rainfall and UFO sightings that I could, threw them in my suitcase, and I was off.”
“It was like some real-life Indiana Jones came barreling into town,” said Gerald Bathmhire, a resident of one of the sleepy south California villages that Oodmar blasted through on his research trip. “He wasn’t here fifteen minutes before he shouted, ‘Eureka, I know where I need to go!’ and rushed out of town.”
Oodmar reportedly tasted the dust on the tires of a Ford Expedition, checked some figures on a receipt book, and deciphered the anachronistic script in a graffiti mural to come to his conclusion. “What I’ve discovered,” Oodmar revealed at the Tuesday press conference, “is that the Martians are actually preparing to take over Earth while simultaneously increasing the martian water table.”
The Martians are apparently approaching the oncoming conflict with cunning and deceit. “First, they are making their world more livable by stealing water straight from our atmosphere, causing long droughts and decreased food production on our planet. Second, they are waging a massive social engineering campaign to keep us unaware and unprepared for their oncoming invasion,” Oodmar explained.
He then went on to accuse multiple governments of taking millions of dollars in interplanetary bribes to ignore space exploration and scientific research “so that the Martians can have the highest ground (orbit) when they finally begin the annexation of Earth.”
According to Oodmar, the blockbuster film The Martian may also have been financed by Martians to convince the public that Mars is completely uninhabited and uninhabitable, which would make it Riddly Scott’s third production funded by extraterrestrials.