Mass shooting solution: Ban people

Banning guns is out of the question, so obviously we should ban any and all targets.

Congress, in its ultimate wisdom, has found a way to preserve the safety of the public. A new series of laws passed by Congress aims to prevent mass shootings by getting rid of large crowds. This means no concerts, movie theaters, shopping malls or the like. Businesses are required to close immediately and sell the remainder of their goods online.

A congressional aide explained the laws to me this way: “We are trying to keep American citizens safe. Everyone knows that guns don’t kill people: people kill people. I mean, what else are we gonna do? Ban guns?”

For those of you worrying how this legislation will impact your life, don’t. Things will be a little different from now on, but society will continue to function. Groceries will be delivered to your doorstep via drone, concerts and sporting events will be live-streamed and movies will be released straight to Netflix. Small gathering places like restaurants, bars and gyms will continue with business as usual.

The most challenging part of this legislation involves the restructuring of the public school system. For over 100 years, children of all ages have assembled inside of buildings in order to receive an education and socialize with their peers. Organized and run at the state level, each school was created with education in mind and aren’t built to impede would-be attackers. This is why Congress has decided to mandate that every minor not currently being homeschooled must enroll in a comprehensive K-12 online school, which offers videos of teacher’s lectures and online homework assignments. Included in these laws is a statute for providing federal funding to companies like Oculus VR and Samsung to pursue the development of cheaper headsets, so that kids can get a truly virtual education.

Congress has yet to decide what to do with the vast amount of empty buildings that will result from the passage of these laws: everything from the local Target to your kid’s elementary school will be abandoned, leaving lots of unused real estate. Current ideas being discussed involve increasing the number of office buildings and neighborhoods, although some propose creating nature reserves with the unused space. One congressman suggests tearing down the old buildings and putting in automated factories in their place. These factories could then churn out more ammunition and firearms, which would also provide a boost to the American steel industry.

Any group caught forming outside with more than 10 people will be considered a security risk, and those involved will each be charged with a $500 fine. These fees will go to the NRA to further research people-caused violence.

Post Author: Gabe Powell