A lavish event, Meghan and Harry leave the royal family in style.
Since the world is still preoccupied with ridiculous privilege, obscene wealth and gluttonous excess, it is apparently necessary to once again talk about the British royal family..
England’s obsession over its ceremonial royal family is like a rash in your nether region; you can’t get rid of it, and you also have no idea where it all started, although your best guess is it came from some British guy.
This month’s edition of unearned relevancy comes courtesy of Duchess Meghan Markle and her husband Prince Harry.
On Jan. 8, during the royal family’s elaborate nose blowing ceremony, the Queen herself set down her golden handkerchief to receive some news: the media’s favorite young couple has decided to jump the royal ship.
This could only mean one thing: time for an egregiously unnecessary ceremony. And not just any ceremony: a £20 million lavish televised affair with gold and jewels and velvet pillows and Rolls-Royces.
To fund the affair, Queen quickly pooled together about £10 million leftover from the budgets of the last two royal weddings.
Halfway to her goal, she added some cash that British police had ripped out of the hands of starving Irish children that morning. The bobbies managed to snag the entire net worth of all the children in Ireland, bringing the total to £10,000,001.
Still short on cash, British Parliament tried to encourage Boris Johnson to sell his soul to the Devil to make up the difference. Considering the Prime Minister was reportedly bankrupt of that account, Parliament then put forward a motion to declare war on China again in order to sell them more opium. The majority of Parliament voted it down, claiming that would take too long.
As a last resort, the British robbed the rest of the money they needed from the Canadians, who promptly thanked them.
At long last, millions around the tuned in to watch the Queen roundhouse-kicking Meghan and Harry out of Buckingham Palace.
To begin the ceremony, the Queen processed onto the balcony of the palace with a 30-mile-long entourage behind her that wound out of the building, onto the street and across the island.
Then Harry and Meghan, both handcuffed, were led onto the same balcony. The pomp and circumstance was so beautiful that the entire audience was moved to audible sobs. Even in the Americas, swaths of people were left speechless at the grandiose properness of high class on display.
At the climax of the ceremony, the Queen removed her royal slipper. Then, six servants, each one representing a continent England brutally imperialized, washed her foot off with a cup of Irish tears.
The Queen then put on her royal giant steel-toed boot and literally kicked the couple off the balcony and onto the concrete below.
The ex-royal pair were then loaded into wheelbarrows and carted off to the ports where they would be loaded onto a ship and banished to North America.
The Queen retreated back into her home, leaving the world in awe.