In a “shocking” revelation at last week’s Collegian meeting, Editor-in-Chief Giselle Willis gathered all her courage and announced something she has feared for years: “Print media is dead.” Of course, the State-Run Media has been well aware of this, content to supply more fuel to Willis’ delusions for as long as she may fancy them. However, as print media moves toward its long overdue viking funeral, the question must be asked: How will truth be delivered to the people now?
The answer is simple, modern and efficient: telekinetic news. State-Run Scientists have been working diligently on technology to send the truth directly to your hippocampus. The information will then instantly be consolidated into your long-term memory. This makes arguing with friends, neighbors and enemies a simple, clean process; you already have all the objective, unalienable facts in your brain! This concept instills a strange amount of nostalgia, as this may be the last time that readers will ever have to use their eyes to understand the world around them.
The application to be a member of the future of the human race is impressively simple. The technology is ready to be implemented in all who apply, but special priority will be given to the rich and powerful. Presidential candidates, we really think this would help you out! Simply fill in the form below (don’t forget to add your IQ and blood type!) and mail it to:
ATTN: Implantation Dept.
101 24th St.
Implantations will occur in phases over the summer, beginning with the rich and powerful. By August, everyone will have a State-Run Mind™. So, this will be the last issue of State-Run Media, at least in its current form. It may be tempting to feel sad about the transition, but the future will be brighter than ever imagined.