The Freshman Uprising: Are Upperclassmen Prepared?

What are they planning in the dorms they now control?
COVID has not yet vanished from this campus, however, I fear that we are now suffering from an infection that is rapidly spreading. And the name of this problem is an overabundance of freshmen. Of course, every new year brings fresh new faces onto campus, and each class has its own gift to give to our tiny university. This is not the problem. The problem is that these freshmen are everywhere. There are so many. Too many in fact. If it were not for the fact that they don’t know how to remember to eat or get out of bed, I fear that we would have a real problem on our hands. I fear an uprising is on the horizon when the students learn to use MLA formatting. Upperclassmen are clearly stronger and could defeat these children in a test of strength, but who knows where the battlefield may truly lie. If the question lies in numbers, we may be out of luck.
The hundreds of freshmen, seemingly coming from the closets and under the floorboards have already banished their superiors to the edges of campus. They have stolen all the dorms and their respective lesser transit times. Upperclassmen have since been forced to inhabit the apartments, which is nicer than sharing a bathroom, but I fear this too might be a problem. The freshmen are centralized. They see one another regularly in the halls. They share kitchen spaces. This gives them an opportune moment for collective organizing. If it is not already happening, it will soon. Meetings in secret, organization. The rest of us have to walk considerable distances to make contact with one another. For example, during a storm, we must step out in the rain for a moment to socialize. I do not want to do that, that is way too much work. These freshmen have the high ground, literally, with sophomores, juniors, and even seniors banished to the lower points of US West, US South, and Brown Village.
And these freshmen are not helpless. They contain the capacity for strategy and quick thinking given that there are so many National Merit Scholars. You know what you have to be willing to endure to become that? Hours and hours of studying and hard work. If these kids are willing to stare in silence at a textbook for hours in high school imagine what they must now be capable of enduring. These kids are good at standardized tests at a time where colleges are not even requiring them. Timers and harsh deadlines are not a source of anxiety, but a challenge. That alone should make you worried. Being on scholarship, these children have the backing of the administration. Brad Carson is so excited to hand out checks, why not hand out complete support? And even the ones who are not on National Merit were able to make it into this University as its standards are rising. There are people from all over the country. Just this week, I met someone from Georgia. Georgia! What are you doing out here in Oklahoma? It’s Oklahoma, there’s not much to see. What are you here for if not to plot the downfall of the upperclassmen?
These children have tangible advantages in the upcoming battle for this university’s very soul. What do they want to do with this power, I cannot even fathom. Steal all the housing? Create a Goldie army? Bring in a 7-point grading scale so the rest of us fail. We do not yet know and I would rather never find out. The children have power, but they are just that: children. We are only doomed to fail if we are not aware of the threat. We are bigger, we are harder, and we know how to write 7-page papers at midnight surviving off of nothing more than a Red Bull and some crackers. We will win if we remain vigilant. We shall not turn a blind eye to this. Without the element of surprise, they are doomed to fail. So, we will not be caught off guard. If you see any freshmen arranging secret meetings, or talking in code, beware, it might be upon us. We have a minute to rally though, given that I do not think they yet know where all their classes are.